Boris Johnson has declared war on France, leading the charge in a flotilla of pedalos. Fearless Johnson was reported to have said:

We will fight them in our britches. We will fight them with our swans. Our swan vestas. Our Vesta Chow Mein. We will never surrender!

In other news, it is the local elections in England, Wales and Scotland today. Make sure you vote and don’t vote for a swan or a signet.

The new royal yacht