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Monthly Archives: December 2020

An Innocent Man

Jailbreak

Yesterday, I walked out of Medway Police station as an innocent man. But there was no jailbreak or incarceration in “Kentonville Prison”. I merely handed myself into the Police to assist them with their investigations. This followed a complaint in The Daily Express from someone in Yorkshire about the re-branding of Kent from The Garden of England to The Toilet of England.

The Kent Toilet of England story was reported the world over, from The Guardian, The New European, Evening Standard, FT to Scotland, Ireland, Wales and as far as The New York Times and in Abu Dhabi. Reports said that the police were investigating. It turned out that the Police press officer had made the story up as an “official response”.

Jailbreak

I had a cordial conversation with the officer in charge at Medway Police station and then left without the need for waterboarding, electric shock treatment or a cake with a nail file inside.

One man from Yorkshire commented: “The petulant, infantile antics of swivel-eyed Remainers never ceases to amaze.”

The Daily Excess

ITV News picked up on the story behind the jailbreak headline, as did Kent Live. The Kent Toilet of England exercise was organised to highlight the combined impact of COVID crisis + Brexit disaster = A Britastrophe. In the event the ITV news interview was truncated down to the parochial issue of the lorry parks and Brexit readiness in Kent.

Here below are the original interview questions and our full answers. There have been recent instructions for local authorities to say nothing bad about Brexit, so the Councillor’s hands were tied. Careful analysis of his statement does reveal that the Councillor more or less told viewers to stockpile food and fuel as he cast doubt on whether supplies would get through. I guess that ITV want to only spread good news in the season of goodwill, but I had hoped for better from them. It seems that everyone is scared of this Government, but why?

Q1 Kent County Council say that everything will be fine after Brexit. What do you say?

A This is disingenuous at best and a downright lie at worst. I understand that people want to feel optimistic at this time of COVID crisis and Christmas. However, in my long experience, optimists are usually people who have not had enough experience. The French prefer experience over fantasies. They showed that a 70 second transit time produces a 5 mile queue. This has been confirmed by the Government’s own reports on the matter. I myself have spoken with Kent Councillors, who confirm that once contagion takes place with cars, we are likely to see gridlock in towns and village, as members of the public attempt to use rat runs etc. It has recently been reported that Government plan to use the military to fly COVID vaccines into Britain – obviously the roads are OK then?

Q2 You organised a stunt to change the signage at the Kent border to say Kent, Toilet of England. What was behind that?

A We did it to highlight three main points:

Brexit can be stopped or suspended.  Although legally we have left the EU, stopping or suspending Brexit is merely a matter of political will.

Nobody voted for the toxic combination of Corona crisis plus Brexit disaster, which I call a “Britastrophe”.  We must Re-Boot Britain and that’s why we feel the need to re-start the conversation with all the people who voted in the referendum.

We have interviewed former MEPs across the political spectrum.  They confirm that no deal is more or less the same as a Brexit deal. Theresa May was right when she said “NO deal is better than a bad deal”. She might have added that NO Brexit is better than a Britastrophe

Jailbreak
A man from Yorkshire complained about the signage in the Daily Express – that’s hardly “Fury” 🙂

Q3 What should Kent County Council do now?

A They must ask Boris Johnson to suspend or stop Brexit in the wake of Corona. Border delays are the tip of a much bigger iceberg socially, economically and politically. The GDP shock to our country will be between 5-10 times larger than the 2008 crash. People have no idea just how bad this will be. We have to endure Corona as a natural phenomenon. We don’t have to endure Brexit on top of Corona. Tonight we’re gonna have a Jailbreak …

Please take action by writing to MPs and EU leaders. Ask for Brexit to be stopped or suspended for two years minimum.

Here is the “I am Spartacus” video we made with the help of people across the globe who admitted to the sticker crime. I am hoping all of them manage to make a jailbreak …

Brexit Hits The Fan

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Musings of a former Conservative Councillor

Many years ago, the Conservative grandee Lord Hailsham observed that, constitutionally, Britain is an “elective dictatorship”. Boris Johnson’s regime is demonstrating the truth of his warning, particularly when power falls into the wrong hands.  Dominic Cummings, until recently Johnson’s over-powerful senior adviser and the driving force behind his policies, was autocratic by nature. Cummings treated MPs, including Johnson’s Brexiteer supporters, with contempt. During his period in power, he created a centralised and unaccountable  power base at the heart of Government with key functions such as appointments, vetting and control of data in his own hands. Parliament was increasingly sidelined. The hallmark of  the regime became the advancement, employment and enrichment of persons noted only for their loyalty to himself and the Brexit cause, with no consideration given to their merit, experience, suitability or capability to carry out their duties. A stench of corruption and cronyism began to emanate from No 10. 

Conservatives have a long track record in crime

Johnson’s regime is also unconservative. Conservatives instinctively want to conserve, as the name implies, but his is an administration of destroyers.  Cummings was never a member of the Conservative party and his appointees in No 10 reject traditional Tory respect for continuity and compromise, in favour of creative destruction. Their current targets are the BBC, the impartial civil service, and the judiciary. Our planning system and, indeed, our whole structure of local government are due to follow. Under Cummings, the Conservative tradition of managerial capability and economic credibility has been discarded, as demonstrated, inter alia, by the extraordinary failure to report  and then trace the contacts of almost 16,000 COVID-19 cases, a major blunder to which the Government reacted with barely a shrug.  Cummings’ departure opens the door to a new start where realism replaces dogma, honesty and transparency replaces lies, corruption and cronyism, and where respect for our institutions and constitutional conventions and, in particular, the rule of law is restored. 

What must be done?

  1. Radical U-turns by the Conservative party are required to expunge Cummings’ legacy.  The largest and most immediate is the withdrawal of  the Internal Market Bill and, in particular, the removal of the clauses which break international law and curtail Parliament’s powers. 
  2. There should be no further talk of lowering our food and environmental standards at the behest of the United States, nor of downgrading worker protection. 
  3. The Culture Secretary’s plan to abolish the BBC and replace it with American-style radio and TV must be shelved.
  4. Hancock’s questionable appointment of an old university girlfriend to a post in his department should be this administration’s last vestige of cronyism.
  5. The Cabinet Office’s involvement in hospital and medical procurement should be terminated and all further government contracts undergo transparent and competitive tendering processes as the law requires.
  6. There should be a general review of appointments made under the Cummings regime in No 10 and the public service, with a view to removing those who are patently unsuitable or incompetent. The Prime Minister would do well to carry out the same exercise amongst his second and third-rate ministers once Brexit is over and blind obedience to that objective can cease to be the sole qualification for advancement.
  7. This should be accompanied by an end to lying and xenophobic propaganda, if Conservatives still wish to regain any trace of being a one-nation party.

Only if a programme of this nature is followed can we hope to regain a Government worthy of respect, both at home and abroad. Its present state was well summed up in the words of a Tory former cabinet minister: “ This is a bad English nationalist government with no idea of where it’s going.” Unless Johnson shows himself capable of changing this judgement in the near future, it is in the interests of his party as well as of his country that he be replaced as soon as possible.

The writer resigned from the Conservative party in protest against its SE branch’s policy to force Remain members to vote for extreme Brexiteers in the choice of candidates for the 2014 European elections.

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Brexit Wars

BREXIT WARS

It seems that we have reached the stage of the Brexit Wars. We knew it would come. This is the first time that a country has declared war on itself and Britain leads the world in this area. Here is our latest Daily Maul page on Brexit Wars, with a fact and fiction checker below, just in case you cannot tell the difference.

In case of doubt …

FICTION : Cod have not learned to speak, although they speak more sense than Boris Johnson when he says that The Royal Navy is to be converted to the Royal Fish Fingering Fleet in readiness for the Brexit Wars. I prepared a new advert for The Royal Navy to help them recruit First Fish Officers.

Brexit Wars
Cod Wars

FACT : Scotch Egg sales have risen on an unprecedented basis.

FACT : Boris Johnson and David Frost did look like a sack of potatoes when they attended the dinner with Ursula Von der Leyen and Michel Barnier, who looked stylish. Even cats were dismayed at the contrast.

New Look for Johnson

FACT : The Brexit Microwave deal has not been delivered. This was an election promise. For an explantion of how we got here in five minutes see “Brexit in five minutes”:

Talking Heads – Steve Peer interviews Peter Cook

FICTION : Priti Patel is NOT re-enacting the Irish Potato Famine in practice. However, she is in principle by threatening trade wars.

FACT : Kent County Council is not ready for Brexit. Kent is set to become the Toilet of England. See our appearance on “Have I Got News For You”:

FACT : Matt Hancock stood alone in cabinet, asking for the COVID vaccine to be prioritised. Perhaps we should thank him for standing up to idiots and Dominic Cummings. We are not sure he actually cried as it seemed to be interspersed with laughter. The search for onions continues.

FACT : No deal Brexit and a Brexit deal are virtually indistinguishable from a practical viewpoint. Brexit can be stopped or suspended if political will changes. See our interviews with MEPs.

Sajjad Karim, Conservative
Molly Scott-Cato, Green
Julie Ward, Labour

Write to opposition MPs. Ask them to oppose all forms of Brexit. Silence is assent.

Brexit Wars. What are they good for? Absolutely nothing.

Cod in Bitter Sauce – Image Cold War Steve
The Codfather

Mark François lives

Mark François lives ! And it’s Christmas ! Praise the lord. I had been worried about Mark’s wellbeing ever since he disappeared at the beginning of August. I had feared that he might have been kidnapped by angry Remainers in his constituency of Rayleigh, or, worse still, had been arrested for a minor offence such as shoplifting. Mark stood down from his post as the leader of the ERG and disappeared from public life. This is unusual for a soldier. Mark is partly responsible for the decision to patrol the English channel with gunboats to protect English Cod and I think that should be applauded.

In other news, the Police have dropped their investigation into the Tory rapist. Mark had been widely thought to be under suspicion for this, but the evidential threshold for prosecution was not met.

The law is the law and I’m pleased to welcome Mark back to public life. Mark François lives to fight another day. If you feel like me, that we should mark this development, I’ve created a unique Christmas gift that you can send to Mark via e-mail mark.francois.mp@parliament.uk It’s a remake of the Plastique Bertrand classique “Ca Plane Pour Moi” as “Francois Pour Moi“.

GIFT the song to Mark François with a personal message. The song is FREE. Find the gifting option at Bandcamp.

If you like Francois Pour Moi, please consider purchasing “The Brexit Party Album” for friends and enemies across the world – it’s the party album to end all tomorrow’s Brexit parties. All proceeds go towards anti-Brexit activism and to help sustain our musical activities.

Click to buy The Brexit Party Album.

Check out the video with a nod to Cold War Steve and Barbara Windsor.

LYRICS

Poupee le celophane. Mark François snorts cocaine

Brexit, le vache (m) qui rit. Fucking the economy

You are the King of the Gammon. Hou Hou Hou Hou. You are the King of the Gammon

Trapped on the Essex plains. Priti vacant, pretty vain

Wanking off to Brexit dreams. Fishing for some foreign bream

You are the King of the Divan. Hou Hou Hou Hou. You are the King of the Divan

François pour moi, François pour moi, François pour moi, moi, moi, moi François pour moi, Hou Hou Hou Hou, François pour moi

I want it hard, Brexit dream. Jacob Mogg, I like his cream

Well gel, I’m from Rayleigh. Carping on about the sea

You are the King of the Gammon. Hou Hou Hou Hou. You are the King of the Gammon

François pour moi, François pour moi, François pour moi, moi, moi, moi François pour moi, Hou Hou Hou Hou, François pour moi, Innit

Lost in Essex, well reem. Touched a chick to make her scream

S.A.S, he’s well extreme. Holding on to Brexit dreams

You are the King of the Gammon. Hou Hou Hou Hou. You are the King of the Gammon

François pour moi, François pour moi, François pour moi, moi, moi, moi François pour moi, Hou Hou Hou Hou, François pour moi

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SuspEND Brexit
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Looking after No 1

Looking after No 1

As Christmas comes, it is traditional to think of others rather than Looking after No 1. Selfishness or Looking after No 1 gave us Brexit. So, it warms my heart to discover that Dominic Cummings has taken a £45 000 pay rise. I imagine that this is a bonus for Dom’s “leadership” in breaking lockdown rules, by driving 500 miles to take an eyesight test. This, while Boris Johnson asks public sector workers to take a pay freeze. Yes, Dom deserves is £45 000 and the nurses, doctors, carers, council workers et al deserve nothing at all. Looking after No 1 really works.

It’s even more gratifying to learn that Jacob Rees-Mogg, Minister for the 18th Century, has condemned UNICEF’s attempt look after others, after they tried to help the world’s most vulnerable children. I understand that Mr Mogg intends to start workhouses for these children rather than rely on handouts from damned charities.

Jacob Rees-Moog – THE BREX-KIP FAR-RIGHT FAR-AGE DOMINATRIX MIX

Herd Immunity

As the COVID R rate for Britain rises to 1.1-1.2, it is heartwarming to learn that the virus does not visit Private schools. Eton College is closed but state schools remain open. I confidently predict that we are headed for another national lockdown to mask problems from “Getting Brexit Done”. Johnson may lack competence in many things but he is brilliant at Looking after No 1. Locking us down after Christmas and using the law to enforce the measures will ensure that people are unable or unwilling to protest or riot against Brexit.

Already, we have 20 mile queues in Kent on the roads. We are also told that the lorry parks promised by Kent County Council will not be ready for months, due to “unplanned rain”.

Have I Got News For You features “Operation Pisspot”

Devaluation of the truth

We have also been let inside the not so secret recipes of the Conservative Party recently. Wellingborough Conservative Party advise that sometimes it’s better to lie quickly rather than tell the truth slowly. Does that accord with you to get on in life as part of Looking after No 1?

Is self interest our default position?

Can we not do better than this?

Where is the opposition?

Keir Starmer appears to be following the lead of The Midwife of Brexit aka Jeremy Corbyn, by appearing to back a deal. There is no good Brexit deal and the will of the people has changed dramatically. At what point will he and Labour oppose the greatest disaster to face our children? When it’s too late?

Some other bugger’s fault

Looking after No 1 demands that everything is always someone else’s fault. As expected, Johnson continues to blame the European Union for Brexit. I mean, it’s obvious:

  • The Conservatives set the Brexit vote up to heal a problem of cohesion within their own party.
  • The plan failed. Brexit has consumed three Prime Ministers so far.
  • The concept of No Deal was invented a year after the vote was taken. It was never mentioned at the time of the referendum.
  • Various aspects of Brexit have been deemed illegal. These are clearly the fault of judges, doomsayers and snowflakes

All of the above is clearly the fault of The European Union and not the Conservative Party and those who were taken in my the lies. How could anyone think it was Britain that voted for Brexit?

The Blame Game
The Blame Game

Brexit Means Brexit (still)

Everywhere I work, people are puzzled about why we are still pursuing this and I did this explainer video for our American friends the other week:

Season’s Brexit Greetings

Enjoy spending your sovereignty this Christmas

Infect a friend

Looking after No 1 seems to be in vogue at this time. I am sure that karma will eventually kick in on this shower of liars, bullies and cheats. Britain was better than this … remember Live Aid?

Will the British people do the usual thing? To walk on by and ignore our sleepwalk into fascism? To moan about what happened AFTER it happened?

We can do better than this

Come out of the darkness

Into the light

If you like this article, please support us with a regular donation via GoFundMe or Patreon. Give us a tip via Paypal. We need support to continue doing this. It takes considerable time. Thank you in advance.

Read our book on Brexorcism

Support us by downloading our music on Bandcamp

Join us every Monday at 8 pm to Re-Boot Britain