The Tufton Street gang have decided to genetically reformat Rishi Sunak to help him win an election. The ‘battleship grey’ Rishi 1.0 was at least built on the solid foundations of Sunak’s dull technocratic self to calm down politics. Rishi 1.0 had to deal with two crises:
Boris Johnson’s negligent killings of old people via his herd immunity fallacy, his “oven ready Brexit” deal which is burnt to a crisp, gross spaffing of our money on failed vanity projects, a tsunami of cronyism, gross lies and excuses and, of course, the Partygate scandals whilst people were forced to let their loved ones die alone, including the Queen.
Liz Truss’ wilful destruction of the economy in one weekend, adding thousands of pounds per year irreversibly to mortgages, billions to our national debt and a total loss of confidence in the UK plc on the world stage.
Cue Rishi 2.0, the radical reinvention from bland to ‘exciting’. Sunak’s ‘mum’ aka Akshata Murty launched Rishi’s reformatting at the Tory party conference, in order to curry favour from Tory faithful. With support from the warmup act Penny Morduant aka Alana Partridge, who managed the dubious accolade of saying “stand up and fight” 12 times in 80 seconds, although nobody was sure why, who with, when, where or with what.
Rishi 2.0 – What’s in store?
‘Radical Rishi 2.0‘ will be tough on society and tough on the causes of society. Fierce with the 99% of wokeists, leftists, left luggage attendents, left handed bankers, left leaning journalists, centrists, greenies, hippies, commies, liberals, snowflakes, members of the London Assembly, forins, doctors, train drivers, nurses, social workers, teachers, farmers, fishermen, firemen, train drivers, trainspotters, comedians, LGBTQIA+, judges et al. In fact everyone that does not sign up to the Tory fascist agenda. Here are some of the policies which Rishi 2.0 will likely hint at in the coming months, slightly exaggerated for fun. Of course he will actually do nothing about any of them:
Running through some of the Rishi 2.0 bullet points above:
On Thursday Sunak aligned himself with Italian fascist Georgia Meloni, to build a desperate consensus around his “Stop the Boats” campaign. However, Brexit Britain will be regarded as international pariahs if we leave the ECHR as a piece of Brexit grandstanding. Twinned with North Korea and Russia.
It sounds frivolous to suggest that model railway company Hornby should run the railways, but clearly a Government that does not know whether the rail link has been built to Manchester airport is not fit to commission rail projects using £ billions of our taxes. The HS2 fiasco has cost £91 billion of taxpayers’ money.
As with Johnson, the devil is in the detail with Sunak. Having announced that HS2 will go to Euston at CPC 2023, the truth is that this will only happen with private investment to build the line from Old Oak Common to Euston. If I were an investor at this point in the cycle I’d not be up for investing in a railway that could be cancelled in a few years’ time after an election.
The distraction of a new British educational qualification almost literally concretes over the problems of crumbling schools. Rishi is trying to gaslight us away from the problems of RAAC by introducing the ABS (Absolute Bullshitter Sunak / Advanced British Standard) qualification to replace A and T Levels. You fool no-one Rishi.
Will Rishi cancel the triple lock for pensioners as the new hard man of the Tory party? Time will tell. So far, it is more of the same with Jeremy Hunt targeting the most vulnerable with his next set of cuts. But the pensioners could well be next as a new cash cow. After all, I guess that Lee Anderson would ask what is the point of them being alive if they won’t vote Conservative? In any case, I guess Anderson believes that pensioners can live on 30p a day.
Levelling up proves to be a project about levelling roads, with 25% of the £36 billion ‘windfall’ from HS2 going to fill potholes. This may help to fill election leaflets in MP constituencies but is hardly a demonstration of Rishi Sunak’s so-called claim of “long term decisions for a brighter future“.
Clearly the Tories love the distraction of XL Bully dogs to stop people thinking of more important matters. Nonetheless I doubt we’ll see The Police employing them to patrol the streets, but anything is possible given recent lies about meat tax and 15 minute cities.
Finally, Robert Jenrick has suggested that we must breed more children to cope with the need for more carers for old people. I imagine that Boris Johnson is ready as CIO (Chief Insemination Officer).
Will Rishi 2.0 succeed?
Highly doubtful – Tufton Street have no idea about personality change, as they are people without personalities. Leopards and spots etc. Rishi Sunak’s speech to CPC 2023 was pretty much his usual “Blue Peter” style of delivery and the excitement of all the promises has been shown to be a pack of lies within a day. CPC 2023 looked like a wake for a dying brand. I guess Tufton Street could tell Sunak to work on his image rather than his content. Perhaps some pink flashes in his hair, flairs to give him more appeal to youth or at least trousers that reach his ankles? Or maybe a beard to make him look a bit more radical / risky?