Rent a Tory
Here is the spreadsheet of how much it takes to rent a Tory. The surprising finding is just how little it takes to gain influence with these people with Teresa Villiers at just £2000 if paid in Roubles. Times must be hard …
Our chancellor costs just £6000 for example. He is currently serving beer and full English Brexits at Wetherspoons for hardly any inducements.
If you want access to the very top, you might want to try something a little more exotic, with Brandon Lewis at circa £50K.
Write to your chosen MP and make some gentle enquiries about the money. Ask them if they will offer you personal services for a knockdown price.