Category: Gutter Press

Nigella Legionnaris Brexitosis-23

Updated on

14/08/2023 by author

Whilst the Tories continue to gaslight the nation about small boats, prison ships and so on, the truth will out. Here is our mash up of the Daily Excess for the week of bullshit in politics. If you like this, you will love our book Private Eyelines. DO NOT BUY on Amazon. Buy direct for best prices via reboot@brexitrage.com. Please see below for the real Tory stories they are trying to cover up.

For more of this, please get your copy of Private Eyelines by mailing us at reboot@brexitrage.com

Sugar Sugar

Brexit Secretary and sugar magnate David Davis went on BBC Radio 4 to explain that Brexit was not a cause of our problems. Instead he blamed the Civil Service. When pressed he admits that the Tory Government were responsible. Even the BBC’s Brexit loving Martha Kearney was astonished. Hear a slice of the interview on our Bandcamp radio interviews album. To correct the Daily Maul front page, Brexit is the cause of Brexit and not lefty doctors, cat owners, scientists, benefit claimants, woke metropolitan elitists yada yada.

Sick of being sick

Therese Coffey, Suella Braverman, Robert Jenrick and others are in denial of the significant outbreak of sewage related illness at the recent triathlon in Sunderland. Instead they continue the blame game whilst water companies turn in record profits. Lib Dem MP Munira Wilson did not even get an answer to her question about a related problem with Thames Water. Are you still prepared to vote for these shape-shifters? SARS in their eyes?

The contempt of Sunak’s so called ‘answer’ and the nodding Tory dogs are the hallmarks of fascism …

Sick of being Jenrick ….

The Pippy Longstocking

The wonderful Jonathan Pie sums up all that is wrong with this Brexitory government in his latest rant. Attempting to put asylum seekers with tuberculosis onto a boat which would act as an incubator for the disease is a significant public health risk. It is an echo of Boris Johnson’s wilful act of killing 40 000 people by putting infected COVID patients into care homes. Meanwhile Rishi Sunak took his kids to a restaurant in the USA where meals can cost £12 000 whilst Lee Anderson is knocking them up in the kitchen for 30p a serving, even undercutting Jamie Oliver.

Legion-Ella

It has emerged that Suella Braverman knew of the Legion-ella infestation the day BEFORE they started putting asylum seekers on the prison ship !!! This is a government sponsored death camp. Read our article in Spanish and English on the subject of racism at The Prisma.

The Prisma — From the moment that Nigel Farage adopted a Nazi inspired poster to stir up latent racism in Britain, he then won the Brexit referendum by the narrowest of margins.

Follow the money

Meanwhile, it has been revealed that the real reason for the Stop the Boats campaign, is of course, once again money. UKIP donated £70 000 to Langham Industries. John Langham the owner was a long term supporter of UKIP and clearly the Tories are frightened of UKIP and the far right so they have become them. In time, I would not be surprised to learn that the Tories themselves have financial interests in the boats, hotels and other aspects of the criminal fraud that sits below the ‘fury’ in the Express, Mail and Sun. Crispin Blunt already receives a salary as an adviser to one of the asylum hotel groups.

Aside from all the above, one boat to house 220 people is quite literally a drop in the ocean when compared with the backlog at the Home Office. This is deliberate managed decline by the Tory Government. The ceremonial nature of the Bibby Stockholm hides something else that they do not want us to talk about. Look deeper.

“Fuck off back to France” – Lee Anderson.

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FASCISM FACT AND FICTION CHECKER

ULEZ is the Ultra Low Emission Zone and not the Uber Lesbian Empowerment Zone as Boris Johnson probably thinks it is. Doubtless Bojo would be willing to lend his ‘Johnson seed’ for the purposes of ‘lesbianic correction’ though !! How many kids has he got now? 12? It was in FACT Boris Johnson who introduced ULEZ and NOT Sadiq Khan. It is yet another manufactured piece of ‘gaslighting’ done by the Tories as a desperate piece of electioneering.

The Sunday gutterpress papers are trying to blame the French for the deaths in the channel. NO, this is fully the responsibility of Rishi Sunak, Suella Braverman and the Brexit cabinet. I’m quite surprised that the Sunday Express et al have not tried to blame French Legionnaires, Emmanuel Macron, Sophia Loren, Camembert, Cotes du Rhone or Sacha Distel for the deaths as yet.

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Posted in Borders, Boris Johnson, Brexit, Brexorcism, Britain, Britastrophe, Climate Disaster, Corona, Democracy, Elections, Europe, Gutter Press, Leadership, Populism, Rejoin EU, Sovereignty, Sunak | Tagged Boris Johnson, Brexit, Britastrophe, Rejoin EU, Rishi Sunak | 5 Replies

Shock and Awe

Updated on

20/07/2023 by author

Peter Cook

The recent announcements from Boris Johnson’s Government indicate that Dominic Cummings‘ “Shock and Awe” campaign is in full swing to subjugate us into accepting Brexit under the safe umbrella of COVID crisis for a 2021 “Britastrophe“. Here’s what “The Sun” has to say about shock and awe:

In cased you doubt some of these satirical headlines, here are the links to the base stories behind the Government’s cynical shock and awe campaign to bludgeon us into accepting any kind of Brexit deal.

322 Tory MP’s vote to starve children

Priti Patel crushed by law courts for threatening to remove migrants without access to justice

20% food price hike after Brexit

Kent – Toilet of England

It is well-known in personal situations, that people who are confused or frightened tend to accept any kind of advice that is given to them. This is why counsellors do not offer advice. The campaign by the Government is designed to gaslight us into a state of terror, where we will accept almost anything they choose to do. There is no way back from such policies and Dominic Cummings’ guidance comes directly from the tactics of Nazi Germany. I predict that Britain will be in a state of war with itself by mid winter 2021 under the combined effects of Corona + Brexit. We cannot rid ourselves of Corona, especially since Government actions are specifically designed to cause more deaths than necessary. However, we can rid ourselves of Brexit, to properly focus on the disease. Take action today using the actions below.

TAKE ACTION

Report MPs for breaking international law

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Posted in Borders, Boris Johnson, Brexit, Britastrophe, Corona, Cummings, Farage, Gutter Press, Politics, Portaloo, Racism | 2 Replies

Penny for the Guy

Updated on

15/05/2023 by author

Peter Cook

The Daily Maul. Click to read Private Eyelines.

In these crazy times it becomes difficult to tell satire from real life, so here’s a little help to separate facts from fiction:

FACT : Priti Patel has banned protests of more than two people so that Johnson can “Get Brexit Done”, without having to have any visible resistance on the streets. We can still organise resistance. See 11 ways to SuspEND Brexit in a COVID safe way.

FICTION : Donald Trump has not been accepted by Martians. Applications outside the Solar System have also been rejected by Star Trek command.

FACT : The Daily Express has blamed Remainers for the Joe Biden victory. I never knew we had so much power.

FICTION : David Bowie does not live on Mars.

FACT : The Trump meltdown means that Boris Johnson has no “BATNA” in negotiation terms (BATNA = Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement). Just to follow the car showroom analogy, the EU showroom and US showrooms are not of equivalent value anyway, since 50% of our trade comes from our relationship with the EU. Walking out of the EU showroom to the Trump one is rather like leaving the Mercedes showroom for the Trabant one, in terms of cars.

FICTION : Nigel Farage has not infected anyone with COVID. He has however infected 17.4 million people with a pack of lies. Many people have now awakened to this fact and no longer want Brexit.

FACT : Boris Johnson has had to do a U Turn on COVID, due to Dither and Delay for 6 weeks. He was told by scientists to introduce a lockdown on 22 September. Instead he waited 6 weeks to do so until bonfire night. In doing so he has already placed tens of thousands of people on the Corona bonfire. This will likely mean that the lockdown will be extended. Basically:

A stitch in time saves nine

FICTION : There is no such thing as a COVIDIOT detector. However there are many vital signs : the assumption that every nurse and doctor in the world is in on the “scam” ; the suggestion that dead people are fabrications and so on.

FACT : Nigel Farage’s new Reform party is spreading a very dangerous disease : ignorance. It will kill more people. Nearly 40 Tory MP’s turned into anti-maskers yesterday when the lockdown vote was taken.

FACT : Mars cannot support intelligent life. It can however support Donald Trump. Donald did claim that Mars was in fact part of the Moon in 2019. More on Brexit and David Bowie at Rebel Rebel.

FICTION : Larry the Cat has not been touched by Donald Trump.

FACT : Nigel Farage has not managed to blow up Parliament. Please give a penny for the guy, as Nigel’s Reform party appears to be failing. In other news, Thanet and Swale MP’s Craig McKinlay and Gordon Henderson have just voted against lockdown. It is perhaps no coincidence that their constituencies have the highest incidence of COVID in Kent. They get our award for COVIDIOTS and are literally going to be responsible for further unnecessary deaths through their careless attitudes towards the people that voted for them. Write to them to express your concerns : Craig McKinlay ; Gordon Henderson.

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With thanks to the image of Boris Johnson by Charlie Everett.

Posted in Boris Johnson, Brexit, Britastrophe, Corona, Economics, Farage, Gutter Press, Trump | Leave a reply

Populism will eat itself

Updated on

14/05/2023 by author

Peter Cook

Remember, the withdrawal agreement was a 2019 ELECTION PROMISE. It’s not even a year on and Johnson has broken his marriage vows, his election promises and caused at least 30 000 unnecessary deaths. Are you still happy about this?

Write to your MP and demand that Boris admits that he lied to win the election. Ask them to oppose Johnson’s reckless Brexit.

Posted in Borders, Boris Johnson, Brexit, Britastrophe, Corona, Cummings, Farage, Gutter Press, NHS, Politics, Russia | Leave a reply

Dead Cats and Real News

Updated on

14/05/2023 by author

Peter Cook

Our Government have resorted to putting lots of dead cats in the way of the real news about Brexit, COVID and so on. So this week, we have resorted to providing a whole front page dedicated to dead cats and the other to news.

The Daily Maul – To read more like this click on the image

If you MP voted for the Enabling Act and is a barrister, report them to the bar via Report your MP

If your MP voted for the Enabling Act, write to them via Write to Them. Explain the consequences of breaking international law.

Posted in Borders, Boris Johnson, Brexit, Britastrophe, Corona, Cummings, Farage, Gutter Press, NHS, Politics, Russia | Leave a reply

Soaraway Sun

Updated on

14/05/2023 by author

Peter Cook

To find our book of Brexit Parody news, click on the image

Posted in Brexit, Corona, Cummings, Farage, Gutter Press, Politics, Russia | Tagged The Sun | Leave a reply

Rent a Tory

Updated on

14/05/2023 by author

Peter Cook

Here is the spreadsheet of how much it takes to rent a Tory. The surprising finding is just how little it takes to gain influence with these people with Teresa Villiers at just £2000 if paid in Roubles. Times must be hard …

Our chancellor costs just £6000 for example. He is currently serving beer and full English Brexits at Wetherspoons for hardly any inducements.

If you want access to the very top, you might want to try something a little more exotic, with Brandon Lewis at circa £50K.

Click on the image to find our book of populist newspaper mash ups

Write to your chosen MP and make some gentle enquiries about the money. Ask them if they will offer you personal services for a knockdown price.

Posted in Brexit, Corona, Cummings, Gutter Press, Politics, Russia | 2 Replies

Cummings Road Trip for eyesight tests

Updated on

14/05/2023 by author

Peter Cook

Here are the details of our marathon road trip from Islington to Old Durham Town … in the B*llocks to Brexit Mini. Please support the venture via Go Fund Me.

Find more like this in Private Eyelines – Click image to view on Amazon

PRESS RELEASE

I’m gonna leave old Durham Town … to check my eyesight

The “B*llocks to Brexit” Mini Cooper known as “Johnson” is making an unprecedented historic trip from Dominic Cummings house in Islington to Durham under strict COVID-safe conditions, so that the driver Peter Cook can get his eyesight checked. Peter is taking the excursion from Islington to Barnard Castle for his wife’s birthday and will be stopping at a few beauty spots along the way. The trip, inspired by Dominic Cummings, has been arranged by EU Flag Mafia in conjunction with Rage Against The Brexit Machine, to highlight the problems of adding Corona crisis to Brexit disaster, creating a “Britastrophe”. We will be performing songs from our catalogue of anti-Brexit songs, including ‘Alo Vera – Brexit’s Comin’ ‘Ome and a Chas & Dave Cockney Brexit Knees Up.

11% loss in GDP from Corona, when added to 9% predicted loss from Brexit will make an exponential impact on jobs, lives and livelihoods of people in Britain. Johnson the Mini will make the journey in order to wake people up to the oncoming economic and social tsunami. We only needed 3.5% GDP loss to create the 2008 crash. Corona is a natural born crisis and we must endure it. However, we don’t need to add the man-made Brexit disaster to the mix.

I coined the phrase Britastrophe in the bath

“Johnson’s driver” Peter Cook is taking a four-year-old baby “Bobo” on this historic journey. Bobo has promised not to urinate for the entire trip, although the Mini will be making stops in Rugby, Manchester, North Yorkshire and Newcastle, also taking in Southampton, Dorset, Wiltshire and Kent in the coming weeks. For Baby Bobo, it is a UST (Urination Stamina Test).

“Rules are rules and we must stick to them for everyone’s safety, even if Johnson, Cummings, Farage, Jenrick, Half Cock Handcock and Papa Bojo choose not to”

The last time “Johnson” made an appearance on Britain’s roads, we were stopped by an Essex Traffic Policeman Smith, in a rage on the M25 motorway. PC Smith asked us to remove the signage on the car on the hard shoulder of the M25, putting the police officer and the passengers at risk of death. We are hoping to return to Essex to meet PC Smith for a cuppa. Smith has not been located by Essex Police some 8 months after we provided his full details to the force …

Peter hopes that “Dick and Dom” aka Boris and Dominic will hear our call that this is the worst time to take Brexit out of the microwave. If they checked their eyesight, they would now realise that there is a substantial gap in the will of the people, with nearly a ten-point gap of people now wishing to remain a member of the EU. All that is needed is courage and political will to change the oncoming “Britastrophe”.

“We must re-boot Britain in the wake of Corona. It’s time for our leaders to show true courage and take a bold move to build, build, build a Better Britain in a Better Europe for a Better World. To this end I have formed an unpolitical party to end all political parties. It’s time we had leaders that we could look up to and trust. Our movement is designed to help achieve that. I’m proud to work with EU Flag mafia to help put the great back in Britain.

3 Dec 2019 – London, UK – Minis in Essex Street, London in a stunt organised and crowdfunded by anti-brexit campaigning group EU Flag Mafia. Click on the image to connect with the Mafia.

p.s. We have just received a request to take “Johnson” to Greece to check our eyesight, via Bulgaria. We are just checking the logistics of the trip, although all seems well, since Stanley Johnson recently made a similar pilgrimage to check on a holiday let.

For an exclusive interview on our “Unprecedented Ocular Pilgrimage” around the UK, please contact Peter Cook, Brexorcist in Chief via peter@academy-of-rock.co.uk

Posted in Brexit, Corona, Cummings, Gutter Press, Politics | Tagged Brexit, Corona, Cummings, Politics, Road Trips | Leave a reply

Humour as a weapon against fascism

Updated on

12/06/2022 by author

Peter Cook

Private Eyelines : Have I Got Fake Brexit News for EU is just released. Humour is one of the few weapons this Government cannot take away from us. It’s a historical and hysterical record of #Brexit and one that holds this #fascist government to account in ways that spreadsheets and graphs do not. The book helps us deconstruct the fake news of populist media from “The Son” to “The Daily Maul” “Excess” and “Telegravda”. Grab copies for yourself and your Brexity friends now on Amazon or order discount copies direct from the author by e-mailing us at reboot@academy-of-rock.co.uk Here is the book blurb below:

Satire reaches the parts that spreadsheets, graphs and logic do not. Brexit provides a rich dark seam of tragicomedy in a Kafkaesque world of gaslighting, shapeshifting and shameless lies. We live in desperately sad times. But simply drowning in the sadness of Brexit does not help us deal with paranoid populist politicians. Bittersweet levity cuts through people’s minds to their visceral core. Simply stated, satire heals.

Populist media brainwashed leave voters to believe in Brexit unicorns. I tried my hand at parodying these media to expose the lies on which the Brexit hydra reared its many ugly heads. I found that people rather liked my gutterpress pages. Some even believed that they were real!

To change minds on Brexit, it is not sufficient to break the parliamentary paralysis which continues to enable the slow-motion destruction of Britain. Nor is demographic change, aka death, a success recipe. We must actively work on the huddled masses. People almost literally eat lies for breakfast from a biased populist media, owned by people who seem just a little bit too friendly with Vladimir Putin. Private Eyelines opens up the conversation anew with Brexiteers with buyers’ remorse, or Remainers numbed into submission by six years of bullshit and bullying from our so-called political leaders.

Peter Cook is a unique combination of scientist, business consultant and musician. As a 60’s child, his mum made him watch Peter Cook and Dudley Moore, saying “it would be good for him”. It wasn’t! Instead, Peter built a solid career bringing life-saving treatments for diabetes and HIV / AIDS to the world, 18 years tutoring MBAs in academia, writing books and 28 years running a business. His early exposure to Cook and Moore suddenly came to the fore after 24 June 2016, as satire met real life through Brexit. His mis-spent youth and creativity have been rejuvenated through campaigning, writing, music, film making and speaking about our rightful place in Europe. It was good for him after all. Mum was right!

Available to order direct from Amazon – click to view. Discounted copies available direct from the author.

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Posted in Boris Johnson, Brexit, Brexorcism, Britastrophe, Democracy, Education, Elections, Environment, Europe, Farage, Farming, Fish, Food, Gutter Press, Immigration, Ireland, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Leadership, Northern Ireland, Partygate, Porn, Racism, Reiigion, Russia, Sovereignty, Ukraine, WW III | Leave a reply

Party Party Party

Updated on

19/04/2022 by author

Peter Cook

It’s Party Party Party in the Telegravda. Come on down and celebrate death by Brexit. Taken from a forthcoming book on the Kafka-esque political world in which we now operate.

FACT: Drivers stuck on the M20 [1]are not allowed to leave their cabins to urinate or defecate by Kent Police, so that traffic can continue its slow grind towards Dover. It’s not Party Party Party if you are stuck in your cab with a bottle of urine and a pile of Brexshit on the floor.

FICTION: The M20 has not been turned into a rave venue and the drivers are not drinking their own urine during ‘Operation Pisspot’[2].

FICTION: Sue Gray has not shown up in Ibiza. On the other hand, her report on leadership failures has disappeared without trace.

Sue Gray

Partygate — Chilled – Sue Gray

FACT: Johnson needs the Russian war to deflect attention from Brexit carnage, now that he has cancelled COVID, his leadership, gas, oil, petrol and food prices, national insurance, NHS backlogs, COVID … the list goes on.

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FACT: Johnson’s leadership is disliked by 72% of the population with the most frequent word mentioned about him being LIAR.

FACT: Let’s play the party game of ‘closets and skeletons’ whilst the drinking continue into the night:

Rishi Sunak defended Mrs S of her absolute right to legally pay as little tax as possible to the country that supplies her with the house she lives in. She was part owner of Lava Mayfair Club Ltd[3] (a private membership gym), which collapsed last year, owing almost £44 million to creditors, including £374,000 to HMRC.

Another of Mrs S’s ventures, education firm ‘Mrs Wordsmith[4]‘, went into administration last year owing £16.3 million … after receiving a £1.3 million loan from the Government’s Future Fund.

Digme Fitness, of which Mrs Rishi owns, received up to £635,000 of furlough money before it closed its eight studios in London and Oxford still owing HMRC £415,000. In case of doubt, 635 is more than 415.

So, Sunak introduces the furlough scheme … and the woman he’s sleeping with benefits by up to £635,000.

Sunak oversees the UK rules regarding non-Dom status[5] … and the woman he’s sleeping with benefits by over £20 million.

Sunak is supposed to be in charge of ensuring that the UK maximises its tax take…yet the woman he’s sleeping with has overseen companies going bust owing £789,000 to HMRC.

Sunak says his wife’s tax affairs are none of our business! Never mind, let’s party like it’s 1999!