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Daily Excess

What the papers say

I’ve briefly restarted our parody newspaper format. In these editions of the Daily Excess and the Daily Maul (Maul credit Aidan Grooville), we cover what the papers say … and what they do not …. To read more of these please check out Private Eyelines. The book makes an excellent gift for Brexiteers in regret and provides a sense of uplift for people who are sick to death of fascist Nat-C Brexit Britain. These days I have to include a fact and fiction decoder as few can tell the difference between fantasy and real life.

Click the dead cat to read Private Eyelines.
Daily Hate Mail
Click the Cruella children’s doll to read Private Eyelines.

FACT and FICTION analysis

FACT : Nigel Farage has declared that Brexit has failed. Yes, Brexit has failed !!! However, of course, it’s not his fault. Evidently, it’s never Nigel’s fault !!

Brexit has failed. Own it Nigel.

FICTION : Liz Truss has not declared war on the Japanese with cheese or in real life.

FACT : However, three years after the Brexit deal, the fiendishly clever Japanese are still copying Cornish Pasties and other British Brexit favourites as this report shows. Liz pretended that Welsh lamb, Whitstable oysters, Thurrock gammon etc. could now be protected names after Brexit, but it turns out she was wrong (again). Also, Liz managed to waste £70 billion on her ‘Brexonomics’ experiment on the nation with her boyfriend Kwasi Kwarteng. Kwasi refuses to apologise for ruining young people’s lives as this interview on Channel 4 News shows.

Not sorry, not sorry


FACT : Boris Johnson has sired another child. The news coincides with the verdict on Johnson’s conduct in office from the select committee this week. Seems convenient. Accordingly, this follows a long list of lies from the Johnson stable. Perhaps you remember when Johnson went into hospital with COVID on Good Friday. Subsequently he was deemed as being at serious risk and needing a ventilator. However, on the third day, he rose, just like Jesus and was deemed to be as fit as a butcher’s dog. Strange. Even stranger, the nurses who cared for him disappeared without trace!

FICTION : Bojo is not making 10 000 doses of his sperm available for a EUgenics experiment on the mass production of Johnson’s. Nadine Dorries is not acting as an incubator for the Johnson seed.

Thanks to David Lawton

Dancing on thin ice


FICTION : The BBC are not changing the formula for Dancing on Ice to include a sewage dance floor as a contribution to environmental stewardship. Nor is the programme to be renamed Dancing on Shite.

FACT : Therese Coffey has claimed that there is less sewage in our rivers although this is clearly untrue. Moreover, Coffey also dodged questions about Suella Braverman’s interference regarding her convictions including having no knowledge of her phone number. Significantly, Rishi Sunackered seemed unable to make any meaningful comment about Suella Braverman when pressed on the matter in Japan.

Sheer lies.

FACT : Suella Braverman and Priti Patel are fighting like cats in a sack over the prize on who is the best fascist after her denouncement of Braverman at the Alt Right Conservative Party Conference last week. This follows our recent revelation that Conservative MP Rehman Chishti also criticised Braveman in order to prop up the Pakistani vote in the local elections. Accordingly, Suella wins our award for fascist of the year, along with Jacob Rees-Mogg:

What the papers say.

Click to read Private Eyelines – Have I got fake Brexit news for EU.

Private Eyelines
Click to read inside on Amazon.

Private Eyelines
Read Private Eyelines on Amazon by clicking the extract.
Private Eyelines
Private Eyelines – Brexit satire – Click to read on.
Populism will eat itself

Populism will eat itself

The recent news that Trump is under investigation is yet another point on the curve towards improved world leadership. To misquote the band name : Populism will eat itself !

In world that needs collaborative leadership to face complex problems such as climate change, famine, war, migration and so on, we seem to have opted for more didactic leaders with catchy but meaningless slogans.  In the UK we have Brexit populism.  In the US we have Trump’s version of isolationist politics, and so on.

This is why I coined the phrase ‘Brexorcism’ to change minds in the UK about Brexit.  The skills involved are just as applicable in other theatres of populism.

Last week, I was asked to speak on the need to turn back from populism and discuss the contributions from psychology, sociology and therapeutic approaches to wake people up to more long-term and global outlooks on our politics.  You can view the masterclass below.

I also spoke on the role of satire, humour and catharsis as a way into the most closed minds on political issues, based on our book Private Eyelines.

To get hold of the books ‘Reboot Britain’ and ‘Private Eyelines’ please go to Rage Against The Brexit Machine or write direct to me at reboot@brexitrage.com

Private Eyelines

French Letter

This is a fantastic french letter from one of our Brexit satirists. Feel free to use or adapt it for your own purpose. Find your MPs e-mail at Write to Them.

Dear xxx,

I have a few questions for you:

1. Could you please tell me why Chris Pincher hasn’t resigned? Is it because the serial groper has been kept on by the PM because a by-election would almost certainly mean another catastrophic result for the Conservative Party?

2. When Boris Johnson was Foreign Secretary he was interrupted in his office getting a blow job by his mistress Carrie (now his wife). Is this in your view a sacking offence? Or should we just move on (again)?

3. The person who interrupted Carrie giving Boris a blow job in his office whilst supposedly at work is alleged to be Gavin Williamson – who some in the media and elsewhere are saying he is incompetent and was given a thoroughly undeserved knighthood to keep his silence. Can you shed any light on this please?

4. Has Jacob Rees-Mogg found any ‘Benefits of Brexit’ yet? I know he’s struggling, so you must be incandescent with rage?

As one of your constituents I am desperate to know where you stand on these issues, so an early reply would be appreciated.

Many thanks

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Private Eyelines
Available to order direct from ebay – click to view. Discounted copies available direct from the author via reboot@brexitrage.com. Also on Amazon at a higher price.
Re-Boot Britain
Re-Boot Britain is a practical methodology on changing minds about Europe and Brexit. Find it on Amazon or direct from the author via reboot@brexitrage.com

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Private Eyelines

Humour as a weapon against fascism

Private Eyelines : Have I Got Fake Brexit News for EU is just released. Humour is one of the few weapons this Government cannot take away from us. It’s a historical and hysterical record of #Brexit and one that holds this #fascist government to account in ways that spreadsheets and graphs do not. The book helps us deconstruct the fake news of populist media from “The Son” to “The Daily Maul” “Excess” and “Telegravda”. Grab copies for yourself and your Brexity friends now on Amazon or order discount copies direct from the author by e-mailing us at reboot@academy-of-rock.co.uk Here is the book blurb below:

Satire reaches the parts that spreadsheets, graphs and logic do not. Brexit provides a rich dark seam of tragicomedy in a Kafkaesque world of gaslighting, shapeshifting and shameless lies. We live in desperately sad times. But simply drowning in the sadness of Brexit does not help us deal with paranoid populist politicians. Bittersweet levity cuts through people’s minds to their visceral core. Simply stated, satire heals.

Populist media brainwashed leave voters to believe in Brexit unicorns. I tried my hand at parodying these media to expose the lies on which the Brexit hydra reared its many ugly heads. I found that people rather liked my gutterpress pages. Some even believed that they were real!

To change minds on Brexit, it is not sufficient to break the parliamentary paralysis which continues to enable the slow-motion destruction of Britain. Nor is demographic change, aka death, a success recipe. We must actively work on the huddled masses. People almost literally eat lies for breakfast from a biased populist media, owned by people who seem just a little bit too friendly with Vladimir Putin. Private Eyelines opens up the conversation anew with Brexiteers with buyers’ remorse, or Remainers numbed into submission by six years of bullshit and bullying from our so-called political leaders.

Peter Cook is a unique combination of scientist, business consultant and musician. As a 60’s child, his mum made him watch Peter Cook and Dudley Moore, saying “it would be good for him”. It wasn’t! Instead, Peter built a solid career bringing life-saving treatments for diabetes and HIV / AIDS to the world, 18 years tutoring MBAs in academia, writing books and 28 years running a business. His early exposure to Cook and Moore suddenly came to the fore after 24 June 2016, as satire met real life through Brexit. His mis-spent youth and creativity have been rejuvenated through campaigning, writing, music, film making and speaking about our rightful place in Europe. It was good for him after all. Mum was right!


Available to order direct from Amazon – click to view. Discounted copies available direct from the author.

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Porngate

Sign O’ The Times

Sign O’ The Times – 01 May 2020

Gutterpress

In this edition, like Prince, Madonna and the Tory party, we see no divisions between sex, religion and politics.  Hold on tight!  It may be a bumpy ride. This is an extract from our next book. Buy the existing one here. In honour of Prince’s comment on politics we named this post Sign O’ The Times.

FACT: Jacob Rees-Mogg[1] admitted that Brexit is an act of self-harm.  Speaking at Folkestone last week, Mogg admitted that he would once again delay the introduction of border checks, as it would lead to food and supply shortages.  Having invested millions of pounds in infrastructure and systems, it seems that the port authorities are rather cross with Mr Mogg.  Meanwhile the minister for the 18th century drinks port in his mansion.  We do not know Mr Mogg’s views on sex with one’s nanny.  Open borders sound good in principle, but how do they achieve the primal Brexit ambition of keeping foreigners out, alongside contraband and other consequences of ‘letting go of control’?

FICTION: Although Liz Truss is probably one of the main users of Instagram, to promote her selfies in her bid to be Prime Minister, it is not true that she has been appointed head of the platform.  She continues to exploit war in Ukraine as a fashion accessory.

FACT: Our reporter confirms that Neil Parish MP is innocent.  We investigated how he came to be accidentally watching porn whist at work.   Here is the sequence:

1.Parish Googled ‘huge elections’ but made a mistake when typing.  This is what should have happened:

Porngate

2. Parish inadvertently substituted the letter ‘l’ with an ‘r’ and instead Googled ‘huge erections’.   It’s an easy mistake to make, even though the letter l is nowhere near the letter r on the keyboard:

Porngate

3. Then Parish would have gone through all the search results and eventually found himself on Pornhub.  It’s quite obvious to see how he made this catalogue of errors.

4. Neil Parish said he was Googling for tractors, as he is a farmer.  Even then, it is simple to see how he quickly ended up on a porn site.  Parish would have typed ‘huge erections massey ferguson’ into Google and then switched to videos.  This is what he would have found:

Prongate

It becomes clear that Neil Parish was a passive victim of mis-spelling tractor related words whilst at work.  Undoubtedly this ‘flick of the wrist’ led him into penis-related peril. Dom Jolly summed up the situation differently:

“While attempting to purchase a Massey Ferguson 2245 4WD I inadvertently stumbled across a website called Extraordinary Buttholes. Once I realised my mistake I immediately logged off, twenty minutes later. This should put the matter to bed.”

FICTION: Although Nadine Dorries[2] wants to privatise Channel 4 and The BBC to silence all criticism of far-right politics, dumb dumb Dorries has so far not threatened to replace them with 24/7 ‘downstreaming’ of porn movies.  Give it time.  I personally don’t want to see Mark Francois and Kate Hoey on ‘Naked Attraction’, but maybe I’m a prude.  The obsession with driving all criticism out of public life is yet another hallmark of Brexit sponsored fascism.

FACT: Although Boris Johnson did not use the words ‘Fcuk Jesus’, he did attack the Archbishop of Canterbury the other week for his criticism of Priti Patel’s ‘concentration camp’ policy on people fleeing from war zones.  Johnson did say ‘fuck business’, so he may as well have gone the whole hog with the almighty.

FACT: Priti Patel is not a Christian fundamentalist, although her father was a UKIP fundamentalist when he stood for the UKIP party in 2013.  Priti has broken the ministerial code several times, which is ungodly.  Killing people who are fleeing from terror is also not mentioned in the scriptures of any religion as far as we can tell.

Tory Porn Hub
Tory Porn Hub – picture by The Sun

Tory Porn Hub – Picture by The Sun

FACT: British Virgin Islands leader Andrew Fahie was arrested in the US for alleged drug trafficking and money laundering.  The reaction from Downing Street was to send a minister and suggest that the islands be taken back to direct rule[3] due to corruption.  Perhaps they would apply the same standards to Westminster?

Vote the Tories out this Thursday at the local elections.


[1] Jacob Rees-Mogg www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/apr/29/jacob-rees-mogg-brexit-disaster-leaving-eu-boris-johnson

[2] Downstreaming gaffe – Nadine Dorries www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-61201792

[3] Virgin Islands crisis www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-61280587

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Tory Hub

Tory Hub

It seems that some Tory MPs were caught watching porn on “Tory Hub” whilst working. To those who find politics boring, I agree that it is and watching almost anything would be better than being a politician. I also don’t much care whether they were watching Neighbours or porn. The point of the matter is that they are paid to do a job and that should be the object of their work. If any people reading this were caught watching The Waltons, Eastenders, Naked Attraction or Porn Hub whilst at work, it would be a sacking offence. So it should for them.

Can you seriously vote Tory at next week’s local elections given that they prefer to watch porn on “Tory Hub” rather than do their work? Seriously? Neil Parish must resign without delay.

The meeting came amid reports that dozens of MPs, including three Cabinet ministers, are facing allegations of sexual misconduct referred to the Independent Complaints and Grievances Scheme (ICGS).

Asked about the newspaper’s original report at Prime Minister’s Questions, Boris Johnson agreed that sexual misconduct would be “grounds for dismissal” for ministers. How about corporate manslaughter of 20 000 ++ people in care homes by the Prime Minister and his Cabinet?

Join us Thursday 05 May 7 pm for a masterclass on Brexorcism via ZOOM

Whilst we are on the subject, here’s a few choice videos – they are not pornographic by the way but You Tube deemed them PG rated:

Jacob Rees Moog – THE BREX-KIP FAR-RIGHT FAR-AGE DOMINATRIX MIX

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Take Back Control … of democracy

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