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Brexit opportunities

Career opportunities

There is a job going for Director, Brexit opportunities in the Cabinet Office – I was excited by the prospect of finding out what these were after five years of waiting patiently so I have applied. My application is below. I’d urge you to do the same. Here is the specification:

Brexit opportunities

Dear Lord Sir David Frost,

I have been an avid follower of your work ever since The Frost Report and I was excited to see your research post for a Director of the BOU (Brexit Opportunities Unit). You need look no further, as you have found your man. To quote ELO, ‘I’ve been searchin’ for five years on my own account, meticulously comparing what we had in the EU with what we are getting, now that Brexit is out of the oven. I’d like to continue that research in the quest for the economic, social, technological, ethical, environmental and constitutional benefits of Brexit. As far as your job specification goes, I meet and exceed your requirements, in brief:

  • I am a skilled researcher, covering qualitative and quantitative methods, survey design and communications. With 3.5 degrees covering science, business and HR, I am quite used to dealing with the distortion of data by politicians, so I’d be more than able to extract the Brexit benefits from the background noise, if they exist. Broadly speaking, I am happy to continue with your line of “if the facts don’t fit the story, change the facts or just erase them”.
  • I am used to dealing with intelligent senior people across industry, politics, media and in public life. I am quite sure I could “level down” to work with imbeciles, sycophants and psychopaths as required by the role. I met the Prime Minister in 2012 shortly after the Olympics when he was dating a young woman so we have actually met.
  • In terms of change management, I have written 12 books on leadership and one on the question of changing minds on Brexit. Admittedly, the strategies in “Let’s Talk About BREX .. it” are directed towards the removal of illusions and fantasies about Brexit, what I call “Brexorcism”. However, these change management strategies are just as applicable to the erasure of people’s minds who voted to Remain, although it may be a lot quicker to round these people up and send them to a BCC (Brexit Concentration Camp) – in fact, I will make a proposal on this separate matter to Priti Patel shortly. I am prepared to work on this for 50 years as suggested by Jacob Rees-Mogg.
Change minds on Brexit
  • In terms of commanding confidence, I am a skilled practitioner of speaking truth to power. I see that lying is a precondition for doing the job and I would cope with this by using a placard saying “fake news” whenever I give a public brief to the media for greater clarity. In any case, in the post-Brexit world, the truth is an expensive luxury. I see that you, Johnson, Patel, Hancock, Raab, Duncan Smith, Francois et al. have managed to get by without needing to get dragged down by the truth. Bravo!!
  • As regards changing laws, I have no respect for the law, having been let down by the Police on several occasions when being attacked by Brexiteers. This means that I regard the law as unimportant in the quest to get Brexit done. Judges and the judiciary are one of the areas we must target to remove the scales of justice from people’s eyes.
  • I was considered to be too organised to get a job for Dominic Cummings. This demonstrates my ability to stick at something that has been a proven failure over the long term.
Dealing with the Russians at Parliament – Photograph by Bruce Tanner http://www.brucetanner.com
  • Crucially I have no political experience at all, a massive asset in a political world befuddled by political experts.  Who needs experts (Gove, Govia). But I am good at coming up with meaningless phrases to describe the toxic cocktail of Corona crisis + Brexit disaster aka “Britastrophe“.
  • In the words of The Clash “I hate the army and I hate the R.A.F. I don’t wanna go fighting in the tropical heat. I hate the civil service rules. I won’t open a letter bomb for you.”
  • Put plainly, if Dido Harding can run the NHS, I can run the fucking Cabinet Office, FFS.
  • In summary, 27 years diverse experience as a business consultant, author, speaker and academic, working with companies such as Unilever, Pfizer, The UN, Virgin, BP. Find me at Linkedin.

On the suggestion of Julia Smith, may I ask for these other fringe benefits:

  • Free flags for my home, car etc.
  • Private health insurance delivered by the NHS
  • Cocaine discounts
  • Free use of the Royal Yacht Brexit McBrexitFace at weekends
  • Exclusive access to PPE contracts for which I am quite unsuitable @ £107 million per item
  • I require a minimum of two cats in the office at anyone time and a supply of fresh food for the kitties
  • A job for my son in strategic management
  • A gravy train and two year’s supply of Bisto

Yours in waiting

Peter

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Five Years

Five years on and Brexit’s still undone. I often get quaint looks when I talk about Brexit in Kent now and some subtle or even less subtle social disapproval. For the record, I’m quite happy to be considered to be “so last year” until I am returned to the soil by my maker, or Brexit is placed in a shallow grave, whichever comes soonest. Brexit is in fact undone now that Johnson has realised he never read the contract. It will never be “done”. I told everyone that we’d be doing Brexit for the next 50 years and it begins to look that way. In five years it becomes apparent that we still don’t know what Brexit means but we are beginning to make some evaluation of what Brexit has brought us.

Economic effects

£2.3 Trillion was lost in just one month from the city of London. Just for comparison and scale, that’s 58 years’ worth of our contribution of £39 billion to the EU wiped out in just one month. So, we would have to make up our losses due to Brexit until 2079 just from this impact alone. Let that sink in!!

Our Australia trade deal is worth 0.02% of GDP over 15 years. It would take 2000 deals like this to even make up our losses from our arrangements with the EU. At a generous estimate of our rate of deal making, we can expect to make up the losses from Brexit in trade deals by the year 3021. I know that’s bad economics as not all trade deals are worthless and some also take years not months but I think you should get the point.

£37 billion has wasted on test and trace. That’s more than what it takes to land a space mission on Mars at a mere £22.5 billion. Our contribution to the EU is £39 billion per year.

Despite promises made to fishermen on Brexit, the UK fishing industry will have been filleted by the time any new arrangements come into being with £1 Million being bled from the fisherman every DAY. Yet, we plan to spend £200 million on a Royal Yacht that the Royal family do not want or need. Brexit McBrexitFace will no doubt spend its time trawling international waters trying to net trade deals without catching anything more than scurvy.

Brexit shrank UK services exports by more than £110 billion over a four-year period. That’s 3 x our yearly contribution to the EU, much of which we get back.

Farmers have also been sold down the river with the introduction of hormone fed beef and the dumping of poor quality products into UK markets, just so that Liz Truss can claim success.

The building industry is beginning to show cracks with materials shortages and other supply chains being affected.

Food and drink exports from UK have declined by 50% since the beginning of 2021.

The UK has been on a downward slide in terms of our overall credit rating.

Coming soon, having lost EU steel import protections, our steel industry now faces a wave of cheap imports.

Hired goons distract people from Brexit shambles. Help us Re-Boot Britain by clicking the image.

Social / Welfare / Environmental

Brexit has been all consuming on Civil Service bandwidth and this means that there have been numerous areas of neglect. For example: social care, Grenfell, The Northern Ireland protocol and citizenship issues remain undone with massive consequences for lives and livelihoods. 305 000 people are caught in civil service backlogs for settled status and Johnson says he will not budge on the deadline of June 30th with impact on breaking up families and imprisonment at borders. Big issues in 2016 are still issues in 2021 due to the significant entropy of Brexit on progress across the board of Government.

“You can stay but your kids can’t”.

We are yet to see the whole impact of the end of the grace period at the borders but already all major supermarkets have imposed rationing on tinned tomatoes with food shortages predicted in the coming months and the army on standby.

There have been notable increases in racist attacks, tension between Brexiteers and Remainers and a disunited Kingdom.

And, of course, far from taking back control of £350 million per week for the NHS, Dido Harding is on the way to privatising your NHS. Was this on the side of a bus?

We did not need to do Brexit to deal with immigration. Our hostile environment has discouraged Europeans to work here. In particular we have seen a sharp decline in fruit pickers, care workers and other professions. The arguments made by Brexiteers to “grow our own” have not gathered any takers …

Political / Constitutional

The destruction of peace in Northern Ireland has already begun by the reckless abandonment of the Good Friday Agreement. Johnson promised there would be no border down the Irish Sea. He broke that promise, ending 30 years of peace on the island of Ireland. Kate Hoey has been cynically and dangerously stoking the fires of unrest in Northern Ireland, having promoted Brexit.

The destruction of the United Kingdom has begun with Scotland seeking independence, reunification of Ireland and independence movements beginning in Cornwall and the North East. Independence for Scotland and unity for Ireland are of course good things and entirely predictable consequences of Brexit. In extremis, England will be reduced to the People’s Republic of Thurrock by 2040!! Gibraltar has special status as a means of dealing with the fact that the majority of residents work in Spain. In 10-20 years time we can expect Gibraltar to be under Spanish control. The same goes for The Falkland Islands, The Channel Islands and The Isle of Man.

The UK is now a four nation state and a one party state with no effective opposition. It may sound hard to say this but Brexit is as much a product of a passive and fearful opposition than it is the result of a hard core of Brexit ultras and psychopaths.

Britain no longer has a special relationship with the USA as President Biden seeks to re-educate us about the realities of breaking international law. At the same time Biden has forged stronger links with Europe as a natural partner of similar size in terms of trade and other opportunities.

I invite Brexiteers to provide a list of benefits of Brexit – Five years waiting

Ethical / Legal

Protest is now being clamped down on, using COVID as an umbrella to hide under. Boris Johnson is to remove the powers of the Electoral Commission after they asked awkward questions about the redecoration of his flat.

Crony contracting continues as The Good Law Project reveals details of companies offered lucrative contracts based on personal networks rather than competence in the chosen industry. If you are to shrug and say “so what” to this, these contracts were for PPE. This means that people will have died unnecessarily because of faulty selection procedures. You may well say that the pandemic demanded a speedy response. Well the speediest response would have been to select companies with the capacity and competence to make the products rather than novices.

My own MP Mr Rehman Chishti is under investigation for having his hand in the till over property development scandals. You can help by reporting him to the bar council.

We have still not found the identity of the Tory rapist. Is this an example for our children to look up to?

It now seems that our children are to sing a Soviet styles song in school to unite the country. I have a better suggestion – see the song below

OBON
Ignorance is strength – Post Brexit education syllabus

I could go on but I won’t. All this in just five years … and we’ve only just begun …

A collaborative effort to mark five years of Brexit carnage from Greg, Lisa, Patricia, Irina, Andrew, Adrian, Mike, Helga and the good people at Re-Boot Britain. Join us every Monday to Break Brexit Before Brexit Breaks Britain.

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Railway Modeller

Trains and Goats and Planes

In our occasional series of Brexit satire we offer you Railway Modeller and The Northern Farmer. Plus a fact checker to help you tell Brexit facts from fiction.

Railway Modeller
Trains and Goats and Planes

FACT and FICTION checker

FICTION : AC DC’s Angus Young does not have a signature hormone fed steak pie. He has a signature Gibson SG.

FACT : Australian beef is hormone injected. It can be selectively fed to children and vulnerable people as UK Government rules allow for cheap food to be dumped on schools, the NHS and care homes. Our EU membership protected us from dodgy food standards but we opted for a blue passport.

FACT : Liz Truss has NOT struck a great trade deal with Japan. Japan benefits five times more than we do. Our desperation to get Brexit done makes us an easy target for “fire sale” type trade deals. Truss wants to claim success by striking a deal with Australia. We will pay for this dearly. Free trade in 15 years time will decimate the economies of Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and parts of England.

FICTION : Boris Johnson is not a train enthusiast. Allegedly he paints cardboard buses.

FACT : The rebrand of Great British Railways is an expensive distraction. See Grant Schapps’ ludicrous flag shagging video filmed with emotional music at the National Railway Museum in York, shortly to be renamed the Great British Brexit Museum.

FICTION : Mallard is not being put back into service, nor The Rocket to power HS2.

FACT : The Australian trade deal will spell a sharp decline in farming in Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland.

FICTION : Ringo Starr is not stuck in the tunnel from Scotland to Northern Ireland. The tunnel is a work of fiction rather like Brexit.

FICTION : Jennifer Arcuri is not a farmer. She is about to release a TV drama in which she describes her sex life with Johnson : “We read sonnets to each other, then he rolled onto me like a binbag full of custard, gasping like an asthmatic octogenerian, as he reached his climax & I wondered if he’d got it in yet”.

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April Brexit Showers

April Brexit Showers

In our occasional round up of April Brexit Showers via the medium of populist media parody, we offer you “The Sun”. The only difference with The Sun is that we include some facts …

I have to include a fact and fiction checker just for clarity:

FICTION : When Liz Truss said she got a great trade deal with Japan, she meant “for Japan”. A really good deal in fact, with five times the amount of trade going to Japan.

FACT : Dairy exports have fallen by 96% due to Brexit.

FACT : Meat exports have also fallen by 25% and these losses are expected to be permanent.

FICTION : Rachelle does not plan a trip to Scotland or Ireland. Nicola Sturgeon does not need her help to Get the Tories out in Scotland. Rachelle is however available for modelling assignments in France.

FACT : Northern Ireland is beginning to become the great tragedy of Brexit as tensions continue. This is not news. It was always predicted to be the case.

FACT : If you want to help get the Tories out at the local elections, contact me for leaflets via email gtto@academy-of-rock.co.uk. We have 12 000 left for rapid distribution.

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Breaking Point

Breaking Point

At what point do you consider that “enough is enough” in terms of voting conservative in the local elections? Are you at breaking point yet? Ask yourself the following questions?

  • Do you mind that Boris Johnson promised fishermen that he would take back control of their waters only to find that this was a red herring?
  • Do you mind that Liz Truss has done a trade deal with Japan that gives them five times more trade than we get?
  • Do you mind that Matt Hancock wasted £37 BILLION of your taxes on fictional Test and Trace equipment?
  • Do you mind that Boris Johnson presided over up to 80 000 unnecessary COVID deaths?
  • Do you mind that the Conservatives are now unhappy with the Brexit deal it signed off without reading?
  • Do you mind that Boris Johnson lied to The Queen?
  • Do you mind that Boris Johnson will be judge and jury at an enquiry about his conduct as the leader of your country?
  • Do you mind that Boris Johnson said there would be no border in Ireland and now there is as Brexit marks a return to “the troubles”?
  • Do you mind paying £35 ++ in tariffs and taxes for goods imported from Europe when we were promised that trade would be frictionless and free?
  • Do you mind that India and other countries require freedom of movement as part of any trade deal with Britain? This is the very thing that the Conservatives promised to stop through Brexit.
  • Do you mind that you were lied to about Brexit, COVID and Grenfell?
  • Do you mind that James Dyson was paid millions and never made a single COVID ventilator?
  • Do you mind that UK trade in dairy products has been decimated by Brexit?
  • Do you mind that farmers are unable to get workers to pick fruit and veg after Brexit?
  • Do you mind that the wallpaper used to redecorate Downing Street costs more per roll than most people earn in a week?
  • Do you mind?
  • Do you mind?
  • Do you mind?

Vote for any party other than the Tories on Thursday May 6th

Breaking Point
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Are you at breaking point or don’t you mind being lied to constantly?