Buy British is trending on Twitter. Since I consider myself a patriot, as someone who wishes to keep the Great in Britain by remaining in the EU, I wondered, what can we buy that is British?
When people tell me that Britain is full, they need to realise that we congregate on approximately 5% of the land mass. 70% of our land is agricultural with 36% arable. The rest grassland, rough grazing, or woodland. From the land, we mostly produce grains; wheat, oats and barley; root vegetables, chiefly potatoes and sugar beet; pulses such as beans or peas; forage crops such as cabbages, rape and kale; fruit, particularly apples and pears; and hay. We produce about 6.5 million tonnes of barley. 1.5 million tonnes are exported, 2 million tonnes used in brewing and distilling activities and the remainder fed to livestock. After Brexit, Michael Gove has admitted that we will see tariffs applied to meat of up to 40%. The Grocer reported that exports outside the EU may not be accepted at all. Lamb farmers are especially vulnerable, as 98% of their production is exported and their business runs on narrow margins.
Apart from the economics, estimates suggest that 90% of the 75,000 seasonal workers in edible horticulture in the UK are migrants from the EU. They will no longer be eligible to come here to pick the fruit and evidence suggests that Britons do not wish to do the work. Read our article on traffic contagion in Kent for more insights.
So, what foods will we not see on our shelves so much after Brexit? Here’s a short list:
“How about a good British Curry” I hear you say? Well the sauces are made in Patak’s factory in Poland. I understand that people are stockpiling Christmas Puddings, presumably informed by the instruction from Wizzard Johnson that “I wish it could be Christmas every day”. Sadly many of the ingredients are not indigenous to Britain.
“We make cars” I hear you say. Quite correct. Our most popular cars are made by Nissan (Japanese), Land Rover (Indian), Mini (German), Honda (Japanese) and Toyota (Japanese). Tariffs will make cars made in Britain more expensive to buy domestically or uncompetitive to export. We have already seen industry making tough choices on where to locate production and this will continue under Brexit.
Chris Barnett points out that if you want to buy a British car you can buy a Morgan. The engine is German though.
Then there are the rest of the things we consume. Electronics, toys, computers. Most of them are imports which are therefore subject to whatever trade deals and relationships we chose to strike with the rest of the world if we continue with Brexit. Our level of trusthworthiness will largely dictate how these go.
And it’s not just food. See our article on medicine shortages. People will die for Brexit. Are you prepared to accept this on behalf of friends and loved ones? It’s all on you if you continue to want any kind of Brexit. Ask Wendy Novak about health and medicines after Brexit.
We’ll get 50 000 more nurses in the NHS.
Pop Brexit in the microwave, gas mark 4.
I’ve had to give drinking up until Brexit is done.
When we leave the EU we can ban shark fin soup.
“Operation Moonshot” (millions of Corona tests with results within minutes) will see mass Corona testing by November. He did not say how many minutes or which year.
When we leave the EU we can have straight bananas.
We’ll get 20 000 more police officers on the street. They sacked 20 000 police offers in 2010.
EU regulations stop us lowering lorry windows to help cyclists.
“I didn’t make any remarks about Turkey” in the referendum”, after indicating that Turkey (population 76 million) is joining the EU.
I will lie (sic) down in front of the bulldozers at Heathrow to stop them building the runway. Instead he was AWOL at the vote.
There may be bumps in the road with no deal.
“I have not had an affair with Petronella. It is complete balderdash”.
Of the tests conducted at the 199 testing centres, as well as the mobile centres, they’re all done within 24 hours.
We will have a world-beating “test and trace” system by 1 June. Johnson did not say which year …
If you have lived overseas for 15 years Britons, unlike other foreign nationals, get no vote. Boris promised to abolish this law / rule when he came to power.
[20 000 people died unnecessarily in care homes] because too many care homes didn’t really follow the procedures in the way that they could have.
We will beat the virus by Christmas. He did not say which year …
We’ll help everyone cycle via the fix my bike scheme. The website broke on launch and then they said the scheme had closed.
A hard border in Kent and a “passport” scheme for people driving to Europe.
“Black people are piccaninnies with watermelon smiles”.
On Muslim face veils, Johnson said it is “absolutely ridiculous that people should choose to go around looking like letterboxes”.
Johnson backed a failed plan for a “floating paradise” across the River Thames wasting £43 million of your taxes. A mere trifle in comparison with the £200 billion blown on Brexit so far.
Boris has always favoured breezing through life with no responsibility. But with 15,000 test results lost, 70 mile lorry queues predicted for Kent, and power cuts predicted for next year, perhaps the time is coming when he might reap the whirlwind after all.
With thanks to Chris Barnett, LCD views, Malcolm Miller, Jane Berry, Janet Ashton, Helga Perry, Catherine Reynolds, Elaine Machin.
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This latest piece of music portrays Boris Johnson as others see him. Set in the mode of a Kraftwerk song “Boris Johnson ist ein clown” tells the terrible story of Johnson’s record on COVID, Brexit and his personal life. Download the album on Bandcamp to help us continue our work. Please don’t just steal the music, it takes a long time to produce. The video is free and needs sharing widely with this post. Here is just a small segment of Johnson’s record to ponder:
150 000 unnecessary COVID deaths due to Johnson’s “too little too late policy”.
£37 BILLION spaffed away to his mates for non-existent or non-functional PPE. Some of the companies hired to make PPE had no experience in the field.
Breaking lockdowns with lavish parties whilst others saw loved ones die alone in care homes and hospitals.
Multiple lies about non-existent Brexit benefits.
Killing 27 migrants at sea with a policy that has been judged by HMG as “dangerous”.
Still waiting for the £350 million every week for the NHS.
Left his wife for another women whilst she had cancer.
Lied to the Queen.
Worst record on COVID in Europe.
Failed to sack Cummings and Hancock whilst he allowed junior ministers to resign for less serious offences.
“Frictionless” trade killing businesses despite promises that Brexit would be “oven ready”.
£840 per roll for wallpaper for the flat at 10 Downing Street on the whim of Carrie.
“Bonfire” on red tape has produced intolerable levels of … Brexit red tape – who knew?
Changed the rules on sleaze to protect Owen Patterson.
Illegally shut down Parliament because he could not get his way.
Failing to wear masks at hospital visits.
Stripped people of their human rights and threats to reintroduce English concentration camps for migrants. In case of doubt, it was England that introduced the idea of concentration camps during the Boer War.
Promised 50 000 more nurses for the NHS, but failed to deliver.
Blames the EU for our self-imposed Brexit when it is his decision alone.
Lied about the Northern Ireland protocol. Continues to threaten peace in Northern Ireland by breaking international law.
Counts hospital refurbishments as “new hospitals”. Counts a pair of gloves as two items of PPE.
Bungled projects : The Garden Bridge. The Scotland-Ireland Bridge. The Isle of Man Bridge. Boris Island. The Festival of Brexit.
Stopping food aid to most vulnerable children in a pandemic.
Allowing water companies to dump shit in our rivers.
Far from Boris Johnson ist ein clown, Boris Johnson is a very dangerous clown. Check more of his lies out at Boris Johnson Lies.
With thanks to Colin Taylor, Irina Fridman, Susanna Leissle, Richard Hewison and Ambasuthan J. for their help with this.
Brexit is broken. We are just about to notice now that the mask of COVID has come off. Here is our latest parody issue of the Telegraph with a fact checker attached, just in case you cannot tell the difference between Brexit fact and fiction:
FACT : Brexit border controls begin today. The EU has allowed us a full years grace on our desire to become a third country. The delays and tariffs are all on our own Government. early indications suggest that there will be significant impacts. See The Independent, The FT, The Mirror for more details.
FACT : So concerned are our Government to “mask Brexit” that they have instructed civil servants not to mention the word. Sadly we are unable to comply. If Brexit is so great why are they not instead publishing the benefits of our departure? The best that Johnson can mention is the reintroduction of pints in pubs. I may have amnesia but I thought we had pints before?
FACT : Dr Liam Fox went on BBC to lie about Brexit yesterday. We decoded his response to the question. You have to be really good to lie and Liam is just not very good at anything. Liam said that the main point of Brexit was to reclaim sovereignty. If that’s true how come nobody wants to buy my bargain bag o’ sovrinty?
FACT : Boris Johnson has not built any of the promised hospitals. It seems that pop up tents in car parks are now being classified as “hospitals”. We lead the world in COVID infections once again although Johnson feels unable to make the tough decisions that are needed, as he has not got the support of his own party to make decisions in the best interests of the people.
FICTION : The Queen is not prosecuting Prince Andrew even though she ought to, ma’am.
FACT : Boris Johnson is still a fu…king cu…t entered the UK charts at No 5, confirming the nation’s view on his premiership.
FICTION : Peppa Pig is not taking up a post as a doctor in the NHS, even though he has “most admired” status by Boris Johnson.
FICTION : Lenny the lion has not eaten Liz Truss as yet. We hear that Lenny is unlikely to do so as he favours eating brains.
FACT : Britain drowned 27 migrants in the channel due to their Brexit policy, which has been demonstrated to be completely unsuitable and dangerous method of addressing the issue. The United Nations reported the story as the worst disaster on record. Kent residents laughed about the deaths of women and children. This is what Brexit has brought us. Do you really support drowning women and children who are fleeing terror?
FICTION : Geoff Boycott has not written a book on cricket and racism. Maybe he should?
FACT : Brexit is broken. Read all about it at Brexit has Failed.
Write to your MP today to tell them that Brexit is broken. Demand better.
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Read our book to help with having the difficult conversations about Brexit.
George came up with this helpful explanation of Brexit for toddlers:
From Heike Wilms
Dear Mr Johnson,
Before the referendum I hoped for a remaining Britain. After the leave decision I hoped for negotiations that would lead to an amicable agreement underlining the friendly relationship between Britain and EU / between our countries Britain and Germany.
I live in North Rhine – Westphalia, for decades next door to British neighbours – enjoying common activities, the Scottish “Fish and Chips” dealer serving the English quarter and its neighbourhood and the opportunity to learn from each other, to improve my school English, after my teachers had given up at an early point and told me, that I will never be able to communicate in English.
I was a member at Tate and loved to visit the gorgeous exhibitions, celebrating quiet moments on the member cafes terrace aside the river Thames, Ethiopian food at Old Borough market, together with an CDI from the Metropolitan Police I built up a network for male victims of trafficking and exploitation cooperating with several London charities and EUroPol.
I still have friends in England, Wales and Scotland and so I realised the differences between those parts of UK. I never experienced United Kingdom as a divided Kingdom.
I was used to receiving my favourite British treats and things. I loved the easy traveling to visit each other, as I can still do it all over Europe with member states. To me it is a highly valued gift, that there are no borders and through so many different cultures. I am allowed to experience this at any time I like. I can even work where I like and my children have a huge choice to study, where they want to. They decided to study in East Germany including single semesters abroad to learn about more diverse cultures.
Now it takes weeks to get chocolate from my favourite British chocolatier – and on top of this, he is not allowed to send dairy chocolate treats – just dark vegan seems to be allowed. Customs even sent them back and he had to make a declaration of contents and I had to pay extra costs for the tariffs. For small mugs a friend sent I also had to pay a toll. To send a parcel to Britain has become really expensive in general and I still do not have a real clue as to what is allowed and what is forbidden to send.
I have no idea how to get my traditional Lindt treats to your country to spoil my friends around Christmas. My friends are also insecure, as to what it takes to be allowed to travel to my place and had to get passports, which was not as easy as they expected, so they had to change the date to meet me In Germany.
I am upset and sad how difficult it had become to care for our friendship.
And apart from that I had to experience, how friends in Britain got divided in Remainers and Brexiters, and as a German I know very well how long it takes to get a divided nation reunited. We are still not reunited, there are still wounds, which aren’t healed and are just superficially covered in West and East Germany. It led to a high number of nationalists in the right political corner in East Germany, it led to populism, as feeding a fire is much easier than putting it out. And to build up something new on a burned ground needs common goals, which is a challenging process between divided parties.
It so sad to see that happening with your country, which I saw as a bastion and fighter for democracy, multicultural living and tolerance.
On top, I wonder, when I look at empty shelves and petrol stations running out of gasoline, are there advantages of Brexit and a so called sovereignty? Can nationalism without a strong bonding to neighbour countries bring anything good? I might be more sensible for that due to my heritage as a German.
I can’t see any so far, to me most things have become more complicated and the division will bring disadvantages over generations worst case. The trade agreements with new Zealand and Australia, appear to me like feeding big companies while getting British farmers and small enterprises starving and on the edge / on risk of losing everything.
I am also concerned about Ireland and the vulnerable peace progress between this divided island and how that will affect the relation between Britain and EU.
In my view and experience, I always saw Britain as a critical voice and strong part of the EU to develop a strong union without losing sight on the big picture and as well on national interests.
I write to you hoping that my concerns get heard – and that I may get an answer about the positive benefits of Brexit that would make sense to me.
I miss my uncomplicated relation to Britain and the comfortable years , when it was so easy and cheap to cultivate my friendships. And I miss the feeling of being welcome in general, I feel at a distance.
Will world leaders COP out at COP 26? The world is watching.
Brexit madness makes our climate change problems much worse:
Increased transportation increases the Carbon footprint of Brexit Britain.
A bonfire on standards leads to moral hazard in materials and product manufacture. It’s back to the bad old days.
Disaster capitalism also leads to unethical practices, some of which are environmentally unsound.
Even Evan Davis sold us down the river on BBC Radio 4 when he proclaimed that, until we stop flying, driving petrol based cars and stop industry we could more of less forget any progress. Although Evan is an economist he seems not to understand that billions of people making small decisions makes a massive difference to our net zero target. Importantly, his careless comments contribute to the view that “climate change is someone else’s fault”. I’d expected better from him.
Nicola Sturgeon is much more on point, having been unafraid to meet Greta Thunberg today.
We must be the adults in the room. Watch this video and share widely:
Please help support the people who made this video at COP26.
I have just bought a copy of My Secret Brexit Diary, an astonishing tale of open-ness, decency and collaboration in decision-making and negotiation by Michel Barnier. His revelations stand in stark contrast to the approach taken by the British government during five years of Brexit negotiations and some comparisons are useful. I will be returning to Barnier’s book in this blog frequently, but this is how he begins.
The very first act that Michel undertakes is to establish unity of the 27 nations and to assess any important red lines that would destroy unity. In Barnier’s words:
“The mission of this small ‘commando’ unit is to travel through the 27 countries of the union over a period of few weeks establishing personal contacts with ministers and prime ministers so as to find out where each of them draws their red lines and, in broad terms to construct our own line of negotiation on the basis of four first principles that I will, from now on, recite to each of my interlocutors.
First, there can be no negotiations until we receive notification from the British government. In the Council, the 27 member states have been very clear on this point.
Second, we will only succeed in this negotiation by building and maintaining very strong unity between the 27 member states.
Third, no EU country should find itself in a position where it has less say than a country outside the Union.
And finally, no country outside the Union should be given a veto on, or even the right to intervene in, the decision-making process of the 27.
These are the key points to which we will hold fast throughout our work, and which are the conditions for its success.”
In stark contrast, the very first act of the British government is for Dr Liam Fox to tell a lie, by suggesting that the European Commission was responsible for David Cameron’s loss of the referendum.
“Fox says ‘our enemy is the Commission, which wants to be forgiven for making Cameron lose. Many of the 27 need us.’
I am told that these remarks which have been reported to me, were made yesterday in private before a group of businessmen in London by UK Trade Minister Liam Fox. This Scottish MP, a former defence minister for David Cameron and a former candidate for the conservative leadership, losing to Theresa May, is obviously at the forefront when it comes to imagining the future of trade relations between the UK and the EU. But first of all, Brexit must be achieved, and he is in favour of a fast-track agenda. That, however, is no reason to propagate such untruths.
So it was the Commission that lost David Cameron the election? This is to pass over in silence, just a little too quickly, the ‘new settlement’ agreed with him at the European Council on 18 = 19 February 2016, in the midst of the migrant crisis – a settlement that further strengthened the UK’s special status within the Union. In the end it wasn’t enough to prevent Brexit, but not for the lack of trying …
It is also to forget that, if all European leaders voluntarily kept silent throughout the referendum campaign, they did so at the express request of the British Prime Minister. According to him, any intervention by ‘Brussels technocrats’ or foreign leaders would have been immediately exploited by the Brexiteers …
In any case, Liam Fox’s statement only strengthens my determination: we must secure and consolidate the unity of the 27 as rapidly as possible.”
I sense a twinge of regret in Barnier’s penultimate statement, that the European Union maintain silence during our referendum process when it may have been wiser to speak out and promote the benefits of the union. We are currently beginning to find out just what these were, somewhat too late to do anything about it in the short term. We must remove the Brexit culture carriers from government and Re-Boot Britain, with the eventual ambition of applying to join once again.
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In our final satirical piece in the series, we take to the Manchester Evening News for some sizzled up news, based on facts, but not limited by them. Our fact checker is out in force below the front page. Read on.
Jacob Rees-Mogg was not searching for drugs but his shameful interview with Charlie Hutchins must be seen. The “Charlie” mentioned in the paper is not Charlie Hutchins, but Charlie Chalk, much beloved by Michael Gove.
As far as we know, Priti Patel has not had work done at The Smile Centre. Perhaps she should. It may just make her more believable when she is viciously threatening the poor and people without homes. Priti Patel’s policies on the right to protest, so-called policing reforms, drowning immigrants and marginalising poor people are steady steps on our sleepwalk towards Brexit fascism.
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Rishi Sunak did point out that we’ll have to pay for Brexit in various ways. Watch out for tax rises, NI, triple lock pension removal and a suite of other ways to refill the coffers to pay for the next election.
