In the wake of absolute Brexit destruction, The Daily Excess reports on distraction via “Sovrinty”. Excess readers are easily fooled with colourful stories. Are you?
There is a job going for Director, Brexit opportunities in the Cabinet Office – I was excited by the prospect of finding out what these were after five years of waiting patiently so I have applied. My application is below. I’d urge you to do the same. Here is the specification:
Dear Lord Sir David Frost,
I have been an avid follower of your work ever since The Frost Report and I was excited to see your research post for a Director of the BOU (Brexit Opportunities Unit). You need look no further, as you have found your man. To quote ELO, ‘I’ve been searchin’ for five years on my own account, meticulously comparing what we had in the EU with what we are getting, now that Brexit is out of the oven. I’d like to continue that research in the quest for the economic, social, technological, ethical, environmental and constitutional benefits of Brexit. As far as your job specification goes, I meet and exceed your requirements, in brief:
I am a skilled researcher, covering qualitative and quantitative methods, survey design and communications. With 3.5 degrees covering science, business and HR, I am quite used to dealing with the distortion of data by politicians, so I’d be more than able to extract the Brexit benefits from the background noise, if they exist. Broadly speaking, I am happy to continue with your line of “if the facts don’t fit the story, change the facts or just erase them”.
I am used to dealing with intelligent senior people across industry, politics, media and in public life. I am quite sure I could “level down” to work with imbeciles, sycophants and psychopaths as required by the role. I met the Prime Minister in 2012 shortly after the Olympics when he was dating a young woman so we have actually met.
In terms of change management, I have written 12 books on leadership and one on the question of changing minds on Brexit. Admittedly, the strategies in “Let’s Talk About BREX .. it” are directed towards the removal of illusions and fantasies about Brexit, what I call “Brexorcism”. However, these change management strategies are just as applicable to the erasure of people’s minds who voted to Remain, although it may be a lot quicker to round these people up and send them to a BCC (Brexit Concentration Camp) – in fact, I will make a proposal on this separate matter to Priti Patel shortly. I am prepared to work on this for 50 years as suggested by Jacob Rees-Mogg.
Change minds on Brexit
In terms of commanding confidence, I am a skilled practitioner of speaking truth to power. I see that lying is a precondition for doing the job and I would cope with this by using a placard saying “fake news” whenever I give a public brief to the media for greater clarity. In any case, in the post-Brexit world, the truth is an expensive luxury. I see that you, Johnson, Patel, Hancock, Raab, Duncan Smith, Francois et al. have managed to get by without needing to get dragged down by the truth. Bravo!!
As regards changing laws, I have no respect for the law, having been let down by the Police on several occasions when being attacked by Brexiteers. This means that I regard the law as unimportant in the quest to get Brexit done. Judges and the judiciary are one of the areas we must target to remove the scales of justice from people’s eyes.
I was considered to be too organised to get a job for Dominic Cummings. This demonstrates my ability to stick at something that has been a proven failure over the long term.
Dealing with the Russians at Parliament – Photograph by Bruce Tanner http://www.brucetanner.com
Crucially I have no political experience at all, a massive asset in a political world befuddled by political experts. Who needs experts (Gove, Govia). But I am good at coming up with meaningless phrases to describe the toxic cocktail of Corona crisis + Brexit disaster aka “Britastrophe“.
In the words of The Clash “I hate the army and I hate the R.A.F. I don’t wanna go fighting in the tropical heat. I hate the civil service rules. I won’t open a letter bomb for you.”
Put plainly, if Dido Harding can run the NHS, I can run the fucking Cabinet Office, FFS.
In summary, 27 years diverse experience as a business consultant, author, speaker and academic, working with companies such as Unilever, Pfizer, The UN, Virgin, BP. Find me at Linkedin.
On the suggestion of Julia Smith, may I ask for these other fringe benefits:
Free flags for my home, car etc.
Private health insurance delivered by the NHS
Cocaine discounts
Free use of the Royal Yacht Brexit McBrexitFace at weekends
Exclusive access to PPE contracts for which I am quite unsuitable @ £107 million per item
I require a minimum of two cats in the office at anyone time and a supply of fresh food for the kitties
A job for my son in strategic management
A gravy train and two year’s supply of Bisto
Yours in waiting
Peter
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Brexit is broken. We are just about to notice now that the mask of COVID has come off. Here is our latest parody issue of the Telegraph with a fact checker attached, just in case you cannot tell the difference between Brexit fact and fiction:
FACT : Brexit border controls begin today. The EU has allowed us a full years grace on our desire to become a third country. The delays and tariffs are all on our own Government. early indications suggest that there will be significant impacts. See The Independent, The FT,The Mirror for more details.
FACT : So concerned are our Government to “mask Brexit” that they have instructed civil servants not to mention the word. Sadly we are unable to comply. If Brexit is so great why are they not instead publishing the benefits of our departure? The best that Johnson can mention is the reintroduction of pints in pubs. I may have amnesia but I thought we had pints before?
The Telegraph asks civil servants not to mention #Brexit
— Re-Boot Britain – Rage Against The Brexit Machine (@BrexitRage) December 30, 2021
FACT : Dr Liam Fox went on BBC to lie about Brexit yesterday. We decoded his response to the question. You have to be really good to lie and Liam is just not very good at anything. Liam said that the main point of Brexit was to reclaim sovereignty. If that’s true how come nobody wants to buy my bargain bag o’ sovrinty?
— Re-Boot Britain – Rage Against The Brexit Machine (@BrexitRage) December 31, 2021
FACT : Boris Johnson has not built any of the promised hospitals. It seems that pop up tents in car parks are now being classified as “hospitals”. We lead the world in COVID infections once again although Johnson feels unable to make the tough decisions that are needed, as he has not got the support of his own party to make decisions in the best interests of the people.
FICTION : The Queen is not prosecuting Prince Andrew even though she ought to, ma’am.
FACT : Boris Johnson is still a fu…king cu…t entered the UK charts at No 5, confirming the nation’s view on his premiership.
FICTION : Peppa Pig is not taking up a post as a doctor in the NHS, even though he has “most admired” status by Boris Johnson.
FICTION : Lenny the lion has not eaten Liz Truss as yet. We hear that Lenny is unlikely to do so as he favours eating brains.
FACT : Britain drowned 27 migrants in the channel due to their Brexit policy, which has been demonstrated to be completely unsuitable and dangerous method of addressing the issue. The United Nations reported the story as the worst disaster on record. Kent residents laughed about the deaths of women and children. This is what Brexit has brought us. Do you really support drowning women and children who are fleeing terror?
FICTION : Geoff Boycott has not written a book on cricket and racism. Maybe he should?
In this special edition of “The Sun“, we offer you a short series of the achievements of The Brexit Party aka the Tories in recent times. The Sun presents FAKE news so that you don’t have to hunt for your own. However our own brand of The SUN is filled with some actual FACTS !!
Find The Eyline Times at https://brexitrage.com/gutterpress
FACT not FAKE
Carrie Johnson IS expected to deliver the 11th Johnson baby around Christmas. This will present the ideal distraction from empty plates and missing Christmas trees.
ONS reported that wages have dropped consistently under 10 years of Tory rule. Even Andrew Marr was unable to stomach Johnson’s attempts to distract him from the hard facts. Here’s one part of the car crash interview. It’s hardly possible to call it a car crash these days due to petrol shortages!
Boris Johnson – wages are rising#Marr – that’s not true on the Governments own figures!
A car crash interview from the Prime Minister at the start of the Conservative party conference pic.twitter.com/uXEDYCWmVq
2000 soldiers are expected to deliver petrol starting from Monday. We are short of 100 000 lorry drivers, thanks principally to Brexit with further food shortages expected across the mid-term according to the Chancellor Rishi Sunak.
Germans ARE being recruited to help drive lorries as are prison inmates. There’s no need to have experience, as we are desperate thanks to Brexit. Why not go the whole hog and recruit German Prisoners of War? Hence our banner picture !!
We have always had pints, miles, pounds and other imperial measures throughout our time in the EU. The idea that Pints are to be reintroduced by The Sun is FAKE NEWS.
Johnson also reported that wage growth is more important than life expectancy and cancer deaths recently. Still happy?
‘never mind life expectancy, never mind cancer outcomes’
Life expectancy gone backwards for poorest.
If cancer incidence and survival rates across the poorest matched the wealthier there would be 19,000 fewer deaths per year.
I came across a Linkedin post that wrote just before the referendum in May 2016 entitled “Should I Stay or Should I Go“. It attracted a lot of commentary including a 2916 word essay from one chap who outlined all the benefits of Brexit. I was reminded of the article and struck by just how inaccurate his predictions were. I reminded the chap of this, an HR professional, now retired. He replied that it was a casual comment and not an essay. He then became angry as I called him to account and phoned me up to tell me to ‘lighten up”. Why would I when he has ruined future generations’ futures? Later on he removed his comment and left Linkedin to cover his tracks. I confess that this was not my finest act of Brexorcism, but nonetheless, I’m sure his essay will have appeared to have weight. I’ve summarised it here as an interesting record of Brexit illusions. The trouble is, he still believes them!! Here is a summary of the main illusions that Paul has swallowed:
TRUE : We are not leaving NATO et al
FALSE : Security implications of Brexit remain unclear
FALSE : Border and travel issues are a major source of Brexit problems
FALSE : The UK economy will benefit by Billions – in fact the reverse is true
FALSE : Farming is a shitshow under Brexit and has hardly begun. Fishing the same
FALSE : Human rights are significantly reduced under Brexit
FALSE : European workers have not continued to flock here under Brexit. We are yet to see the full impacts in transport, NHS, care, hospitality, construction and so on
FALSE : Jobs and production will not move out of UK. We have seen a steady stream of jobs leaving the UK under Brexit and again this is just the beginning
TRUE : We never lost our sovereignty. The withdrawal act stated it on the first page of the document
Brexit : they think it’s all over. But it’s far from done. As the COVID umbrella lifts, Brexit is beginning to show its ugly heads. And, in the vernacular of Priti Patel, it’s all kickin’ off on Saturday 12th June with the worldwide premiere of Rage Against The Brexit Machine’s new song Alo’ Vera – Football’s Comin’ ‘Ome Euro Mix.
Saturday marks the start of the Euros and an exclusive live performance of the song at Chesham to celebrate Rejoin EU’s campaign in Chesham and Amersham. As with the Eurovision song contest, it rather seems that Global Britain’s attitude to aid and trade will leave us with “nil points” when it comes to re-booting Britain.Having asked for extra time for the transition period to mask Brexit carnage, Johnson is now losing trillions of pounds on “penalties” and he no longer knows where the goal is. But has Britain got the legs? Or will it crash out of the Euros, and of being a serious player on the world economic pitch?
Rage Against The Brexit Machine (RATBM) aims for the Premiere League, lining up for a Number One on Friday June 18th. Alo’ Vera latest release in our Pop versus Populism series, a rousing football-inspired pop pathos marching tune. A match for any match, it’s a tale of what’s finally comin’ ‘ome, and it ain’t Priti Patel’s fruit pickin’ teams, the European Corona care nurses or the easiest deal in history.
“Brexit was a game of two halves … but now the players are off the pitch, we wonder whether we should be supporting another team?”
Peter Cook, Brexorcist in Chief, RATBM.
Alo’ Vera – Football’s Comin’ ‘Ome is the follow up to “The Brexit Party” album” – the party album to end all parties. This includes other Brexit classics, which we will be performing from 11.00 am in Chesham, an unlikely location for a worldwide song release!
• A Chas & Dave Cockney Brexit Knees-Up “Bollocks to Brexit”.
• The punk-metal-trance-funk grind “Nigel Farage’s Garage”.
• The unforgettable Bojo French sex anthem “Take Back Control”, a fusion of “Je T’Aime” and AC/DC.
• A poignant dance floor track called “In Limbo”. An epic project with 20 voices from all over Europe.
• An 18th Century Tory Trance Floor Acid House Groove “Jacob Rees-Moog”.
“Music reaches our heads, hearts and souls in ways that politicians only dream of. The art of protest just found its 21st century voice. Corona Crisis + Brexit Disaster = Britastrophe”.
For an exclusive interview on Rejoining the EU, contact me and we will arrange with the Rejoin party leader / candidate.
