Category: Gutter Press

Party Party Party

Updated on

19/04/2022 by author

It’s Party Party Party in the Telegravda. Come on down and celebrate death by Brexit. Taken from a forthcoming book on the Kafka-esque political world in which we now operate.

FACT: Drivers stuck on the M20 [1]are not allowed to leave their cabins to urinate or defecate by Kent Police, so that traffic can continue its slow grind towards Dover. It’s not Party Party Party if you are stuck in your cab with a bottle of urine and a pile of Brexshit on the floor.

FICTION: The M20 has not been turned into a rave venue and the drivers are not drinking their own urine during ‘Operation Pisspot’[2].

FICTION: Sue Gray has not shown up in Ibiza. On the other hand, her report on leadership failures has disappeared without trace.

Sue Gray

Partygate — Chilled – Sue Gray

FACT: Johnson needs the Russian war to deflect attention from Brexit carnage, now that he has cancelled COVID, his leadership, gas, oil, petrol and food prices, national insurance, NHS backlogs, COVID … the list goes on.

NEW BOOK : Changing Minds on Europe and Brexit

Brexorcism masterclass 7 pm Thursday 21 April via ZOOM

FACT: Johnson’s leadership is disliked by 72% of the population with the most frequent word mentioned about him being LIAR.

FACT: Let’s play the party game of ‘closets and skeletons’ whilst the drinking continue into the night:

Rishi Sunak defended Mrs S of her absolute right to legally pay as little tax as possible to the country that supplies her with the house she lives in. She was part owner of Lava Mayfair Club Ltd[3] (a private membership gym), which collapsed last year, owing almost £44 million to creditors, including £374,000 to HMRC.

Another of Mrs S’s ventures, education firm ‘Mrs Wordsmith[4]‘, went into administration last year owing £16.3 million … after receiving a £1.3 million loan from the Government’s Future Fund.

Digme Fitness, of which Mrs Rishi owns, received up to £635,000 of furlough money before it closed its eight studios in London and Oxford still owing HMRC £415,000. In case of doubt, 635 is more than 415.

So, Sunak introduces the furlough scheme … and the woman he’s sleeping with benefits by up to £635,000.

Sunak oversees the UK rules regarding non-Dom status[5] … and the woman he’s sleeping with benefits by over £20 million.

Sunak is supposed to be in charge of ensuring that the UK maximises its tax take…yet the woman he’s sleeping with has overseen companies going bust owing £789,000 to HMRC.

Sunak says his wife’s tax affairs are none of our business! Never mind, let’s party like it’s 1999!

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[1] Kent Messenger www.kentlive.news/news/kent-news/operation-brock-kent-residents-slam-6938937

[2] BBC Have I Got News For You on EU TUBE www.youtube.com/c/PeterCook1001

[3] Mrs Sunak www.easterneye.biz/two-businesses-in-which-sunaks-wife-had-shares-gone-bust-in-pandemic/

[4] FT Jim Pickard 11 April 2022

[5] Non-Dom: A good deal for Mrs S www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-61027058

Posted in Arts, Boris Johnson, Brexit, Britastrophe, Gutter Press, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Partygate, Politics, Sovereignty | Tagged Boris Johnson, Brexit, Partygate, Tory Scum | Leave a reply

Blamestorming

Updated on

10/04/2022 by author

Peter Cook

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Posted in Brexit, Corona, Cummings, Farage, Gutter Press, NHS, Politics, Russia | Leave a reply

Know your enemy

Updated on

03/04/2022 by author

Peter Cook

From Adrian Ekins-Daukes.

One of the key Brexit texts is “Change, or Go: How Britain would gain influence and prosper outside an unreformed EU.” written in 2015. Highlights summarised below by Jennifer Rankin (Guardian):

UK/Irish relations scarcely get a mention.
The EU would agree to negotiate a new trading relationship before the triggering of Article 50. The UK would have a new deal in its back pocket before the formal process of leaving the EU even began.
The UK could enjoy “a common market relationship with EU even if it did not sign a special deal after exit”.
The authors were relaxed about the UK losing the benefits of EU trade deals, because “the EU underperforms at managing trade policy”. It doesn’t have a trade deal with the US and China. Anyway, it is “highly likely” EU FTAs “could be photocopied”. The UK could quickly do its own deals.
It obsesses on tariffs, but pays scant attention to non-tariff barriers. In revealing language, it saw limits to the EU’s ability “to penalise Britain” and inflict “malicious harm”.
Easy transport links for firms and citizens: “there would be no significant disruption or inconvenience for UK firms or passengers”. UK travellers can keep the EHIC insurance card when visiting the EU. The Change or Go report provided the underpinning for Michael Gove’s “We hold all the cards” 2016 speech.

Taken together, Gove’s speech and the Change or Go report make it clear that Brexiteers believed:

The EU was about to implode sometime soon or, at the very least, be severely weakened.
Brexit would trigger a domino effect and other countries would follow the UK out.
After the Brexit vote, the UK would hold all the cards and be the centre of a new, anti-EU European alliance.
The UK could dictate terms because the EU would desperately need UK trade.
The UK could have customs union and single market benefits without the commitments and obligations of membership.
Travel to the EU from the UK would continue without interruption and with no new requirements.
It was all about the trade in goods, tariffs and borders.
The UK would quickly be able to negotiate trade deals with all the major powers to compensate for any loss in EU trade.

Incredibly, Leave Voters still seem to believe much of this nonsense in the face of all the evidence and the passage of time. In particular they cling to the to the idea that Merkel will come to the rescue of the negotiations at the last moment and that the obstructive Barnier will be sacked (editor’s note, we have seen the Cummings and goings of many UK trade negotiators and whipping boys whereas Barnier has remained in place all through this process). Our Government believe that all that we have to do is to continue to allow David Frost, our negotiator, to continue repeating idiotically “we are now an independent country”, and the EU will finally concede.

Write to your MP using this material to set out the case as to why the unicorns of Brexit MP’s have been shown to be fatally flawed. Call for a suspension of Brexit pending a full public enquiry and consultation.

Read Anand Menon’s recent paper on the subject.

Michael Gove’s lies and various other lies are captured in this piece of music which is prophetic in terms of our sleepwalk into a banana republic and a fascist state.

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Posted in Borders, Brexit, Cummings, Gutter Press, Politics, Russia | 2 Replies

Carrie on Camping

Updated on

03/04/2022 by author

Peter Cook

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Posted in Borders, Brexit, Corona, Cummings, Farage, Gutter Press, Politics | Tagged Recession | Leave a reply

They think it’s all over

Posted on

06/07/2020 by author

Peter Cook

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Posted in Brexit, Corona, Gutter Press, Politics | Tagged Brexit, gutterpress | Leave a reply

Every breath he takes

Updated on

30/03/2022 by author

Peter Cook

I’m gonna leave old Durham Town … to check my eyesight – 06 July

The “B*llocks to Brexit” Mini Cooper known as “Johnson” is making an unprecedented historic trip to Durham under strict COVID-safe conditions, so that the driver can get his eyesight checked by taking an excursion to Barnard Castle for his wife’s birthday and stopping at a few beauty spots. The trip, inspired by Dominic Cummings, has been arranged by EU Flag Mafia in conjunction with Rage Against The Brexit Machine, to highlight the problems of adding Corona crisis to Brexit disaster, creating a “Britastrophe”.

11% loss in GDP from Corona, when added to 9% predicted loss from Brexit will make an exponential impact on jobs, lives and livelihoods of people in Britain. Johnson the Mini will make the journey in order to wake people up to the oncoming economic and social tsunami. We only needed 3.5% GDP loss to create the 2008 crash. Corona is a natural born crisis and we must endure it. However, we don’t need to add the man-made Brexit disaster to the mix.

A close up of a sign

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“Johnson’s driver” Peter Cook is taking a four-year-old baby “Bobo” on this historic journey. Bobo has promised not to urinate for the entire trip, although the Mini will be making stops in Rugby, Manchester, North Yorkshire and Newcastle, also taking in Southampton, Dorset, Wiltshire and Kent in the coming weeks. For Baby Bobo, it is a UST (Urination Stamina Test).

“Rules are rules and we must stick to them for everyone’s safety, even if Johnson, Cummings, Farage, Jenrick, Half Cock Handcock and Papa Bojo choose not to”

The last time “Johnson” made an appearance on Britain’s roads, we were stopped by an Essex Traffic Policeman Smith, in a rage on the M25 motorway. PC Smith asked us to remove the signage on the car on the hard shoulder of the M25, putting the police officer and the passengers at risk of death. We are hoping to return to Essex to meet PC Smith for a cuppa. Smith has not been located by Essex Police some 8 months after we provided his full details to the force …

EU Flag Mafia are hoping that “Dick and Dom” aka Boris and Dominic will hear our call that this is the worst time to take Brexit out of the microwave. If they checked their eyesight, they would now realise that there is a substantial gap in the will of the people, with nearly a ten-point gap of people now wishing to remain a member of the EU. All that is needed is courage and political will to change the oncoming “Britastrophe”.

“We must re-boot Britain in the wake of Corona. It’s time for our leaders to show true courage and take a bold move to build, build, build a Better Britain in a Better Europe for a Better World. To this end I have formed an unpolitical party to end all political parties. It’s time we had leaders that we could look up to and trust. Our movement is designed to help achieve that. I’m proud to work with EU Flag mafia to help put the great back in Britain.

Peter Cook

A police car parked in a parking lot

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p.s. We have just received a request to take “Johnson” to Greece to check our eyesight, via Bulgaria. We are just checking the logistics of the trip, although all seems well, since Stanley Johnson recently made a similar pilgrimage to check on a holiday let.

For an exclusive interview on our “Unprecedented Ocular Pilgrimage” around the UK, please contact Peter Cook, Brexorcist in Chief on 07725 927585 peter@academy-of-rock.co.uk

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Posted in Brexit, Corona, Cummings, Gutter Press, Politics | Tagged Brexit, Corona, Cummings, gutterpress, Road Trips | Leave a reply

Gimme shelter

Updated on

25/01/2022 by author

Peter Cook

A thirst for Brexit

I was gobsmacked to note that The Sun reported the possibility of water shortages under Brexit the other day. Yes, water shortages !! Also food and electricity. Well it’s all going well …

The more subtle story that The Sun did not report concerns the watering down of the water regulations (pun intended) under Brexit. This means that we will have dirtier rivers again, polluted beaches, etc. The EU are largely responsible for environmental improvements such as clean beaches and there are clear public health consequences for such policies.

Winter of discontent

Bordering on the insane

Aside from clean water, another assumption that Vote Leave played under Brexit was that it would enable us to take back control of our border and therefore immigration. This is yet another piece of blind faith.

Once Brexit is done, our “border” will be on British soil / waters, whereas before it was on French soil. Since migrants have essentially no economic value to the French, it’s really quite likely that the French will not seek to stop them travelling to Britain, as it relieves France of the “problem”. Equally, we will not be able to send them back to Calais and will have to repatriate them to their country of origin, effectively sending them to their deaths in some cases. I am left wondering how happy the brave keyboard warriors will be to know that they have put children to death in order to “take back control” of their blue passports?

The drugs don’t work

Corona + Brexit = Britastrophe

The Sun – Extract from leaked Government report

It’s all going well isn’t it?

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Posted in Borders, Brexit, Corona, Cummings, Farage, Gutter Press, NHS, Politics, Russia | 1 Reply

Flush Brexit

Updated on

25/01/2022 by author

Peter Cook

We must Flush Brexit down the pan … I was assembling my equipment for our Silent Brexit Protest in Kent last Friday evening … Musing upon the bizarre week of 1984 styled events, especially the spectacle of thousands of portaloos arriving in Kent to cope with 72 mile tailbacks of traffic on the main arteries (A2, A20, M20, M2, M25, M26, A299, A256, A28, A251, A249, A229, A228, A25, A26, A259, A227 etc.). Riffing on the idea of Flush Brexit, it came to me:

“Wouldn’t it be great if we had a portaloo for our event on Saturday in Lenham”

I considered scouring the town’s skips for a suitable toilet bowl, but time was short, so I decided to focus on more important matters …

On Saturday morning, whilst driving down to Lenham, w came upon a bidet bowl (forin’ innit) and cistern that had been fly-tipped on a drive of a country house just off the A249 trunk road. It was difficult to stop with lorries behind me, but I knew we were meant to Flush Brexit from my Friday night brain dump. I decided to make a detour of 7 miles by driving back up the A249 and returning to pull into the tiny hollow. We collected the bog by the side of the road. Mischief managed.

This put me in mind of the shit that is published by the Daily Mail, so here is today’s news dressed up as the Maul on Sunday:

In case you doubt where the actual stories come from, here are a few references:

PROJECT FACT:

Pension credit to be slashed

10 000 Portaloos in Kent

Hancock commits people to “death by Brexit“

BOJO says we’ll have an Australian deal aka No Deal

William Shatner gives up on Britain for Star Trek merchandise

Flush Brexit down the pan

Jennifer Arcuri gaslights us away from Brexit catastrophe

SuspEND Brexit - Click to read — SuspEND Brexit – Click to read

BBC - Brexit Border Control — BBC – Brexit Border Control – The latest from Cold War Steve – get his work from https://coldwarsteve.com/

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Posted in Arts, Borders, Boris Johnson, Brexit, Britastrophe, Corona, Economics, Gutter Press, Politics, Portaloo | 3 Replies

Brexshit hits the Fan

Updated on

25/01/2022 by author

Peter Cook

On this day when the Government says that we need to extend Brexit negotiations and that Brexit is all Cummings’ fault anyway. It also emerges that a US trade deal is years away. Here, we offer a news roundup via the medium of the satirical “Kent Massager”, as Brexshit hits the fan.

In case of doubt …

FACT : The Daily Express DID report on FURY re our Kent Toilet of Britain project. In fact it was not mass fury. FICTION : The Express managed to find just ONE person, in Yorkshire, who objected to the signs in Kent.

Don’t read the Daily Express, click to read the “Excess”

FACT : Trials at the border show that if it takes 70 seconds to check a lorry, a five mile queue ensues. We can expect significant and continuing gridlock in Kent and maybe even into Sussex, Surrey and London if Brexit happens.

FACT : The Archbishop of Canterbury has rebuked the Government over breaking Manifesto promises on overseas aid.

FACT : There has been a prediction of an increase in dogging in Kent after Brexit. We are not sure why it matters but there you go. I prefer Labradors to Terriers myself. How about you?

FICTION : Priti Patel has NOT unblocked a toilet. FACT : She has blocked the futures of EU Citizens living in UK and UK Citizens living in Europe. Our video Priti Woman has been banned for under 18’s after complaints by the Conservative party. We don’t know why. Here it is for your pleasure.

Brexshit hits the Fan

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Write to Tory MPs, the opposition and EU leaders to ask them to continue to scrutinise foul play by our Government.

Watch our interviews with former MEPs who blow the myths that Brexit is inevitable away.

Write to members of the House of Lords. Encourage them to continue upholding the rule of law.

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Posted in Boris Johnson, Brexit, Britastrophe, Corona, Cummings, Europe, Gutter Press, Politics | Leave a reply

Stop Dictator Cummings

Updated on

24/01/2022 by author

Peter Cook

The favourite Brexiteer slogan was “Take Back Control”. No one promoted it more actively than Dominic Cummings, chief advisor to Boris Johnson. Now it is clear that he meant this control to be exercised by himself. Increasingly we see that he, not MPs, not ministers, not even the Prime Minister decides policy, or makes appointments and public statements. This Lord of No 10 has recruited a pack of advisors whom he has spread across Whitehall to ensure that his will is done. No laws or rules apply to him. The Prime Minister seems unwilling or unable to rein him in as he openly assumes the powers of a dictator, removing the checks and balances in his way.

Over the next weeks, we will examine Cummings’ record in detail and look into his intentions and motives.

WATCH THIS SPACE TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THIS THREAT TO OUR DEMOCRACY. HELP US SMASH IT.

Posted in Brexit, Corona, Cummings, Gutter Press, Politics | Tagged Cummings | 1 Reply