It’s been a week of car crash events with Boris Johnson. Somewhat unbelievably he was asked to deliver the reading at St Paul’s Cathedral on the occasion of the Queen’s jubilee. We reconsidered his speech through the values espoused by the Bible and its apostles : Mogg, Truss, Dorries, Madonna et al. This was the result. For complete clarity, we felt sorry for the Queen having to put up with Johnson and Brexit. Whatever your views on the monarchy, the Queen’s 70 years of service stand in stark contrast to Johnson’s spirit of self-service. Watch the 2 minute video and read the “Tory Bible quotes” below:
Bible quotes:
“Better is a poor person who walks in his integrity than one who is crooked in his speech and is a fool” Gove 48.52
“The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: … drunkenness, orgies, and Instagram. Those who live by selfies will not inherit the kingdom of God.”Truss 78.6
“Whoever loves Somerset wealth is never satisfied with Brexit”Mogg 6.31
“Whatever it takes” Sunak 20.21
“Whatever” Liam Gallagher 19.94
“Iwas hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me in Rwanda.” Patel 52.48
“There are six things the LORD hates: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, Brexit, disaster capitalism, spaffing and hands that shed innocent blood” Johnson 20.22
“Let your requests for media censorship be made known to God” Dorries 6.66
“God save the Queen … from Brexit and Johnson” Ellwood 20.22
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In this edition, like Prince, Madonna and the Tory party, we see no divisions between sex, religion and politics. Hold on tight! It may be a bumpy ride. This is an extract from our next book. Buy the existing one here. In honour of Prince’s comment on politics we named this post Sign O’ The Times.
FACT: Jacob Rees-Mogg[1] admitted that Brexit is an act of self-harm. Speaking at Folkestone last week, Mogg admitted that he would once again delay the introduction of border checks, as it would lead to food and supply shortages. Having invested millions of pounds in infrastructure and systems, it seems that the port authorities are rather cross with Mr Mogg. Meanwhile the minister for the 18th century drinks port in his mansion. We do not know Mr Mogg’s views on sex with one’s nanny. Open borders sound good in principle, but how do they achieve the primal Brexit ambition of keeping foreigners out, alongside contraband and other consequences of ‘letting go of control’?
FICTION: Although Liz Truss is probably one of the main users of Instagram, to promote her selfies in her bid to be Prime Minister, it is not true that she has been appointed head of the platform. She continues to exploit war in Ukraine as a fashion accessory.
FACT: Our reporter confirms that Neil Parish MP is innocent. We investigated how he came to be accidentally watching porn whist at work. Here is the sequence:
1.Parish Googled ‘huge elections’ but made a mistake when typing. This is what should have happened:
2. Parish inadvertently substituted the letter ‘l’ with an ‘r’ and instead Googled ‘huge erections’. It’s an easy mistake to make, even though the letter l is nowhere near the letter r on the keyboard:
3. Then Parish would have gone through all the search results and eventually found himself on Pornhub. It’s quite obvious to see how he made this catalogue of errors.
4. Neil Parish said he was Googling for tractors, as he is a farmer. Even then, it is simple to see how he quickly ended up on a porn site. Parish would have typed ‘huge erections massey ferguson’ into Google and then switched to videos. This is what he would have found:
It becomes clear that Neil Parish was a passive victim of mis-spelling tractor related words whilst at work. Undoubtedly this ‘flick of the wrist’ led him into penis-related peril. Dom Jolly summed up the situation differently:
“While attempting to purchase a Massey Ferguson 2245 4WD I inadvertently stumbled across a website called Extraordinary Buttholes. Once I realised my mistake I immediately logged off, twenty minutes later. This should put the matter to bed.”
FICTION: Although Nadine Dorries[2] wants to privatise Channel 4 and The BBC to silence all criticism of far-right politics, dumb dumb Dorries has so far not threatened to replace them with 24/7 ‘downstreaming’ of porn movies. Give it time. I personally don’t want to see Mark Francois and Kate Hoey on ‘Naked Attraction’, but maybe I’m a prude. The obsession with driving all criticism out of public life is yet another hallmark of Brexit sponsored fascism.
FACT: Although Boris Johnson did not use the words ‘Fcuk Jesus’, he did attack the Archbishop of Canterbury the other week for his criticism of Priti Patel’s ‘concentration camp’ policy on people fleeing from war zones. Johnson did say ‘fuck business’, so he may as well have gone the whole hog with the almighty.
FACT: Priti Patel is not a Christian fundamentalist, although her father was a UKIP fundamentalist when he stood for the UKIP party in 2013. Priti has broken the ministerial code several times, which is ungodly. Killing people who are fleeing from terror is also not mentioned in the scriptures of any religion as far as we can tell.
Tory Porn Hub – picture by The Sun
Tory Porn Hub – Picture by The Sun
FACT: British Virgin Islands leader Andrew Fahie was arrested in the US for alleged drug trafficking and money laundering. The reaction from Downing Street was to send a minister and suggest that the islands be taken back to direct rule[3] due to corruption. Perhaps they would apply the same standards to Westminster?
Vote the Tories out this Thursday at the local elections.
[1] Jacob Rees-Mogg www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/apr/29/jacob-rees-mogg-brexit-disaster-leaving-eu-boris-johnson
I did an analysis of the car crash Mumsnet v Boris Johnson interview using the medium of the BBC Radio 4 programme “Just a Minute”, with apologies to Nicholas Parsons.
Johnson is doing the reading at St Paul’s today. Apart from talking about honesty and thou shalt not commit adultery, his reading will mainly consist of Rule Brittania, Rule Boris, spaff-waff, bazookas, Jubilee, jubilation, jubinobs party, no party, our party, my party, sovereignty … balderdash, bunkum, hokum, pokum, where’s Carrie, who’s Carrie, ah Carrie you make me feel so young Jennifer, sorry Carrie, God save me, I mean God Save the Queen; whilst roughing up his mop (hair, not wife or current lover 🤮🤮🤮) With thanks to Jackie Brook and BillieJoeMcAll on Twitter.
Well worth your time
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God save the Queen from Boris Johnson, Brexit and Prince Andrew. Our latest edition of ‘The Son’ previews a weekend of flagshagging. Just in case you are confused, here is a fact and faction decoder:
FACT: There have been bunting shortages[1] for the jubilee! It does not come from the EU though as intimated in some circles …
FICTION: A pint is not 562 ml. It is 568.26125 ml. Millilitres are not the product of EU law but the result if SI units. Lions are not English even though they appear on t-shirts. FACT: A pint is not a standard measure as a US pint is not the same as a UK pint with a US pint coming in at 473 ml. The obsession of the British government with imperial measures is simply another piece of ‘red meat’ to feed to Brexit voters at the jubilee!
FICTION: Sue Gray has never appeared in Eastenders, nor have the Mitchell brothers removed her organs in an East End styled murder. We are pretty sure that Boris Johnson would have her removed if he thought he could get away with the dirty deed however.
FACT: Priti Patel has not ordered teachers to bear arms in schools as yet. Give her time …
FACT: Liverpool football fans were held up at Dover for hours[2], as Brexit border controls started to bite hard. Is this what you voted for when he said we would be “taking back control of our borders”?
FACT: Boris Johnson has cancelled the part of the Ministerial code that holds him responsible if he breaks the law. The law literally no longer applies to him. Is this what you voted for when he said we would be “taking back control of our laws”? Priti Patel continues to try to cancel refugees through sponsored drowning and sending to re-education camps in Rwanda. Culture secretary Nadine Dorries is trying to cancel culture. It’s all a bit Reginald Perrin really. If the going gets tough, Kim Jon Bojo will likely cancel general elections.
FACT: Quite subtlely, Conservative ministers have started to blame Ukraine for domestic problems when the feed through to our economy is largely not related to problems in Ukraine as yet. Rishi Sunak did it at the so-called emergency budget on 26 May 2022 by stating that 80% of our problems were ‘global’. Horseshit. Brexit has made an impact of some 4-5% on inflation, all of this man-made and therefore avoidable. Lee Anderson inferred that the poor were to blame for poverty. Subtle mentions of Africa in relation to Monkeypox cement the idea that the disease has an ethnic component for feeble racist minds.
FACT: Ireland is not to blame for Brexit. It is wholly the product of our own government. We own it. It’s ours. 100%. Priti Patel has used the spectre of a repeat of the Irish potato famine[3] to feed weak English minds and distract them from the plain facts of Brexit.
God save the Queen from Johnson! Download Prince Andrew is a Sweaty Nonce to tell Boris Johnson and Justin Welby that child abuse is NOT OK. Mumsnet ate Boris Johnson for breakfast the other day. Our analysis of the encounter via the medium of “Just a Minute” follows.
It’s the Queen’s platinum jubilee and the Brexit gammon are high. On Saturday 28 May I met one of the Brexit flagshaggers at 7am in the morning, at my train station in Kent, en-route to Brighton to give a masterclass on rejoining the EU. I decided to perform a miniature Street Brexorcism. The conversation went something like this:
HIM: Oh, I suppose you are off to one of those remoaner protests in London again, having fucked the country up (he had noticed my Break Brexit Before Brexit Breaks Britain t-shirt).
ME: Not exactly. I’m off to talk to a bunch of entitled lefty twats in Brighton about my latest book.
HIM: That’s not very nice.
ME: Nah, it’s OK. People in Brighton can probably afford to ride the storm of Brexit. It’s the people who live here in Medway like you and me that I feel sorry for. They must bear the consequences.
HIM: Nah. We’d have been alright if it had not been you lot stopping us getting Brexit done properly.
ME: But you have a pretty hard Brexit. Boris popped in the oven and it’s done. What did you get from Brexit by the way?
HIM (dithering slightly and getting a bit angry): It’s too soon to say (obviously he could name nothing).
ME: OK, but what did you want from Brexit?
HIM (calming a little): Well, I wanted local democracy rather than being told what to do?
ME: Have you got that?
HIM (confused): Too soon to say. You lot spoiled it anyway.
ME: We can agree that we have not got more local democracy. But you give me too much power by assuming that I can change anything. We are all ignored by politicians. I’m sure you realise that Brexit was not for us. It was for them. You do realise that Johnson cancelled democracy yesterday when he put himself beyond the law by cancelling the ministerial code?
HIM (he did not know about the changes to the ministerial code): I don’t care about Boris. He can fuck off.
ME: Anyway, I must be off to talk to the ‘entitled lefty pricks’ of Brighton. Nice to speak.
HIM: That’s rude. You are not going to call them that are you?
ME: Of course. They know who they are, as we do. I’m just intelligent scum. Anyway, thank you for speaking with me.
I met Simon Calder again on Saturday at St Pancras en route to Paris. Had a great conversation about The #Beatles and #Brexit. He pointed out that all the queues were down to Brexit
— Reboot Britain – Rage Against The Brexit Machine (@BrexitRage) May 31, 2022
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In this edition of the Daily Excess we focus on the effects of Brexit on food price rises and the extraordinary statements by Tories blaming the poor for their plight.
FACT: Lee Anderson claimed that people on low wages were not able to cook economically and said that he could cook a meal from scratch for 30 pence[1]. The Trussell Trust replied: “Cooking from scratch won’t help families keep the lights on or put food on the table, if they don’t have enough money in their pockets”.
FACT: A snickers bar, a curly wurly, a finger of fudge or a raw egg are not a substantial meal. Remember however that a Scotch egg was classified as a substantial meal[2] when Rishi Sunak wanted to encourage people to ‘eat out to help out’ in 2020. However the benchmark price of a Scotch egg in a pub is £5.00 and it would have to be consumed with a pint of beer to be considered a ‘substantial meal’. This is somewhat more than 30 pence.
FICTION: Various Tory MPs have started blaming Ukraine for food price rises, when, apart from just a few items, these price rises have not fed through the food chain at the time of writing in May 2022. Food inflation due to Brexit[3] accounts for some 6% and, in some areas such as meat, the rises have been substantial. It is despicable behaviour by Tory MPs to blame Ukraine but, of course, totally true to form to blame someone or something else.
FACT: By the same token, they have blamed oil and gas rises on Ukraine when these price rises were factored in before the invasion of Ukraine by Russia. In fact, money saving expert Martin Lewis[4] warned as early as late 2021 on the matter.
FICTION: Liz Truss has not so far recommended that the poor begin cooking their pets to cope with food poverty. Give her time. She did recently get her picture taken with Larry the cat, perhaps to improve her popularity with old ladies, or perhaps in preparation for Larry’s sacrifice at some point in the future.
FICTION: If Boris had written The F Plan diet, the word F would not have stood for fibre! Nor has Boris ever had a meal for 30 pence.
FACT: The recent emergency budget measures set out by Rishi Sunak will not address the needs of people at the edge of poverty through Brexit assisted price rises. It is yet another example of a ‘too little, too late’ strategy by the Conservative government.
FACT: Grilled wasps are neither tasty nor nutritious.
People say, what’s the point of writing to MPs? Well, other people read the letters. It informs their views on whether they are going to lose elections and so on. Everything counts. Here’s a cracker from one of our team. Please use of modify the letter to write to your MP. Find your MP email address at Write to Them.
Dear Ms Whately,
The Sue Gray report has now been published, so I would now like to hear your thoughts.on the matter.
We knew before the report was issued that the rules that applied to the general population were completely ignored by the PM.
It now turns out that the extent of rule breaking was far worse than originally thought.
We, the UK population, now know with absolute certainty that the PM is a liar, so I want to know if he has your continued support?
If you do still support him, I would like to know why? I sincerely hope that you don’t, as this will make you complicit in the corruption and law-breaking.
The PM has said he will not resign, so do you think that a fine from the police for his law-breaking is an appropriate consequence for his actions?
I hope I get something better than a stock reply from you. This is important, and a whitewash of what has been happening at the heart of our government is unacceptable.
As my elected MP, your integrity is under very close scrutiny.
Yours sincerely
Dr. Bob
Nothing succeeds better than the glare of public transparency. If you cannot get any satisfaction from your MP in private, Tweet them in public or send the letter to your local newspaper or radio station. While we are here, read our latest newsletter and join us on Saturday 28 May in Brighton or online via ZOOM.
Turn despair into action. Join us every Monday at 8pm on ZOOM via Reboot Britain.
We are planning a film to feature truck drivers and their supply chains, to focus on the plight of people caught within Operation Brock, TAP, 256 TAP and associated lorry queues within Kent as a result of Brexit.
Please send your pictures from the crime scene to me at reboot@academy-of-rock.co.uk
A diary from the “Sunlit Uplands” written by Clarissa Cork.
My week (18th May – 24th May)
Tuesday 18th May 2022
My day started at about half past six when I woke up and realised that I was in the middle of a nightmare. I was living in 1509 (or was it earlier?) and the rich lords of the manor were taking food out of the mouths of starving children, the starving children in their rags and pale faces were looking at me pleadingly and begging for food. Meanwhile, in my dream, the lords of the manor (on horseback) are laughing at the poor, and as they ride off to their castles, they’re shouting across to each other, telling each other how much money they’ll give each other from the poor boxes they raided from the church. (Certainly NOT like Robin Hood).
Back in 2022, I glanced at my phone and saw the Guardian headlines: Liz Truss (looking fiercer than usual – and that’s quite fierce…) wants to renege on the Irish protocol – she doesn’t seem to care about risking the Good Friday Agreement!! (Does she understand the Good Friday Agreement?).
There is also an article on the poor and the cost-of-living crisis – and how some families are going to MacDonalds to eat, shower and keep warm. We are reading about this daily. I must remind myself that this is happening in one of the richest countries in the world – although I acknowledge that our country’s economy is visibly on a steep decline….
And again, the images of starving people creep back into my head I realise – this is no dystopian nightmare – it’s our dystopian reality.
I try to get back to sleep, but I can’t. I keep returning to my nightmare.
A little later, I realise that I need to acknowledge that it’s another day, and I need to take the dog for a walk into the woods. After a while, the elephant in my room (the combination of Brexit and this government) becomes a small elephant and I almost forget my worries – but they never completely disappear.
I meet a pleasant woman in the woods with her dog, she’s like minded about the situation and the calamity that is Brexit. Apparently, she has avoided the news for two years because she finds it so stressful and worrying. Editors note : The Book of Brexorcism will help.
When I return from my walk, I discover that my husband is decanting my wardrobe (we must move soon) and his plan is that I take some of my many handbags to charity shops or give them away. Being a man, he has no idea about handbags – it is not his specialist subject. He doesn’t realise -after decades of living with a woman – that women need different handbags in a variety of shades and sizes for various different occasions, even though I don’t have many “occasions” any more these days…
Fortunately, he starts watching the football starts so this annoying birth twin of Marie Kondo is distracted for a couple of hours. Hopefully, prolonged by extra time.
Later I go to bed so that I can rerun my nightmare.
Wednesday 18th May 2022
Is it only Wednesday?
So much has happened in “Car Crash Britain”. Apparently, this government have rejected the proposal for a windfall tax that was suggested by the opposition. Perhaps they want to re-enact the Irish Famine? (Actually, it was really called the Irish Hunger because the Irish were allowed). There are people in the government who are descendants of those who played a key role in the Irish Hunger. This resonates with what’s happening today. Some people in the government are even wearing the costumes dating back from that era…
My husband and I have occupational pensions, in addition to our meagre state pensions (We have one of the worst pensions in the developed world). We know we are luckier than so many… yet here we are, in week three of the month and we have run out of housekeeping. I’ll have to have a rummage in the freezer, but if memory serves me correctly there’s nothing that constitutes a meal.
I’m toying with the idea of watching PMQ’s on catch up but then, can I take the emotional hit?
Perhaps not.
Ok. I did watch it.
It was shambolic. It was even worse than usual. The windfall tax was suggested (again) by Keir Starmer to mitigate the damage of huge fuel rises, but Johnson changed the subject and talked about the trans issue. What has that got to do with the windfall tax? Yet more obfuscation! Most people are focusing on surviving!
People are really suffering, yet this government are giving huge bonuses to people who are already incredibly wealthy.
Why?
Living in these times, in this country, with this government, is worse than I could have ever imagined.
Today the police fined more people who were at parties during lockdown at number ten Downing Street. These numerous fines didn’t include the Prime Minister or the Chancellor. Apparently, they were not at these parties. (I thought that I had seen them on photographs in the press. But I must have been imagining it).
The police say that there will be no further investigations into this.
Meanwhile, in the House of Commons SNP MP Mhairi Black makes a powerful and compelling speech about this government’s march towards fascism.
Live scenes from lockdown parties – the work of @aidangrooville on twitter
Saturday 21st May 2022
Today I was talking to one of our granddaughters. She goes to a good secondary school, one of our own daughters went there; also, I have friends who are still teaching, and they confirm that this school is one of the best.
I ask her what she is doing in English (this was her best subject in primary school). She tells me that she’s enjoying English Literature, but English language is a drudge because it’s all about grammar. Apparently, or so she tells me, her English lessons are spent chopping up sentences and learning such things as what adverbial clauses are – so she informs me that her enjoyment of English has virtually disappeared. This is a child who in the past, always had her head in a book.
Thank you, Michael Gove.
(Co-incidentally, I heard almost the exact same thing from a neighbour whose son is in year four in a local primary school (an excellent school: I know it well).
I asked her how her French was going… she said “Fine!”
My mother was a French speaker, so I was brought up with “some French”. We were chatting and this bright girl from a supportive, education-valuing family knew frighteningly little. I discussed this with my daughter and told her that at the same stage she and her siblings knew far more than this. As did I.
I realised with a heavy heart that this is, of course, the Tory plan. Drastically reduce spending on education, pay teachers badly so that people don’t stay long in the profession (they can’t afford to), make it more difficult to achieve reasonable grades because the exams have been made more punitive (and no course work components) and the odds are stacked against state school education. Add to that, the eye watering cost of university and the average child should be totally disenfranchised and disadvantaged.
(And I haven’t even mentioned the added negative impact of the cost of living crisis. It could be a problem if children need to eat as well as learn)
I’m more than convinced – to coin a phrase – that this is about creating a two-tier society: a private education for the rich, and a poorly paid alternative that will keep the masses – “the plebs” – in their place. The bonus being that they will be so uninformed and working so hard for a pittance, they will be too exhausted as a result of doing several jobs simply to survive, that they’ll not informed and/or motivated when it comes to voting. They will probably accept what they’re told in the right-wing press and vote against their own interests.
Oh! Hang on! Isn’t that what happened in the 2015, 2019 elections and Brexit?
But still, with underfunding in place, the Tories will hope that this will continue!
A win:win for the Tories.
I should acknowledge that although I disliked Thatcher and her government, I never felt that she wanted to diminish education. Kenneth Baker (although not overly popular at the time) introduced the 16 plus exam, followed by GCSE exams and I thought that this was a very good system. (Both my husband and I have spent all our working lives in education).
Also, Margaret Thatcher, Edward Heath, John Major and Michael Howard were all state school educated. They also didn’t charge university fees. A good move.
This “new dawn” (or is it “Golden Dawn”?) feels very sinister and very depressing.
Sunday 22nd May 2022
I am working hard not to get depressed. Sorry, I mean MORE depressed.
We decided we would try and watch some good television tonight in order to distract ourselves from depressing times; so, we watched “Grace” with John Sims (such a wonderful actor!) although the plot is grim – but, no spoilers here….
However, you can play “Spot the Tory character” (a game all the viewers can play in the comfort of their own home). He’s easy to spot in this programme.
(Maybe it was the cravat?)
He has no empathy and thinks of “poor people” as inferior and unworthy of consideration. His specialist subject is “Otherness”.
To distract ourselves from the miseries of these times, when the credits are being shown at the beginning, there’s an actor called Craig P……….. . We both used to teach a boy who was also called Craig P. Every time his name comes up, I say to my husband
“Craig’s doing really well, isn’t he? Who’d have thought he’d be so successful? And FAMOUS?”
My husband answers and replies that it’s “great news”.
I’m really getting into this surreal situation, so I add…
“How proud are you on a scale of 1 – 10?”
“SO proud. I cannot find the words” is his deadpan response.
But then he says “C, every time we see his name, we have this conversation at least twice every episode and now I feel that Craig has become a fixture in our lives. Can we stop?”
“OK!” I sigh.
(How boring….)
Later, I realise I haven’t read my Sunday paper, but these days it takes real courage to even open the pages.
In this Irish special we focus on the U2 question posed by Liz Truss “With or Without EU”. It becomes clear that she still hasn’t found what she’s looking for with Brexit.
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As things continue to become more bizarre by the day in Brexit Britain, we focus on the Irish question in this fake version of The Mail on Sunday.
FACT: Liz Truss is prepared to risk the breakdown of the Good Friday Agreement and 30 years of peace on the island of Ireland to improve her chances of becoming PM. In 2019 the Conservatives said that peace in Northern Ireland and independence for Scotland were prices worth paying to “Get Brexit Done”. One of the few truths they told.
FACT : It was the BRITISH government that signed the Brexit deal which required the border in the sea between Britain and the island of Ireland. Blaming the EU is simply gaslighting. We are a third country and, to quote the Brexiteers we should “Get over it”
FACT : ‘Sir’ David Frost read the deal and then ignored it in order to “Get Brexit Done”. This problem is ENTIRELY of our own Government’s making and Frost’s squirming is pathetic. He’s not even elected.
FACT : Boris Johnson said that a border between Ireland and Britain would only happen over his dead body. We note that he is still alive.
FACT : The majority of people and politicians in Northern Ireland want to keep the Northern Ireland Protocol. Some 70% of people voted for parties that support peace on the island or Ireland.
FACT : ‘Sir’ David Frost is now pretending he was railroaded into signing the deal. The word scum is not bad enough for someone who refuses to own his Brexshit.
FACT : Johnson needs this distraction to ensure people don’t think about unnecessary COVID deaths, Leadership failures via Partygate, the cost of living crisis, Brexit carnage, Levelling down, NI rises, Pension unlocking, killing bees, killing kids by encouraging them to eat more junk food, the list goes on.
FICTION : Whereas Coleen Rooney has not shagged Johnson, Arlene would do anything to restore the troubles to Northern Ireland, including a performance with Dolly Parton if one could be arranged.
Whilst the EU are the adults in the room, they should respond to this childish behaviour by our adapted children in Government.
Rejoin EU and Brexorcism masterclass 10.30 – 12.00 Saturday 28 May Brighton followed by lunch – Friends Meeting House, BN1 1AF – contact us to book your space
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