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Bread, Beef, Biscuits, British Bulldogs and Brown Beer

Buy British is trending on Twitter. Since I consider myself a patriot, as someone who wishes to keep the Great in Britain by remaining in the EU, I wondered, what can we buy that is British?

Food, Glorious Food

When people tell me that Britain is full, they need to realise that we congregate on approximately 5% of the land mass. 70% of our land is agricultural with 36% arable. The rest grassland, rough grazing, or woodland. From the land, we mostly produce grains; wheat, oats and barley; root vegetables, chiefly potatoes and sugar beet; pulses such as beans or peas; forage crops such as cabbages, rape and kale; fruit, particularly apples and pears; and hay. We produce about 6.5 million tonnes of barley. 1.5 million tonnes are exported, 2 million tonnes used in brewing and distilling activities and the remainder fed to livestock. After Brexit, Michael Gove has admitted that we will see tariffs applied to meat of up to 40%. The Grocer reported that exports outside the EU may not be accepted at all. Lamb farmers are especially vulnerable, as 98% of their production is exported and their business runs on narrow margins.

UK self sufficiency has dropped from 75% to 61%

Apart from the economics, estimates suggest that 90% of the 75,000 seasonal workers in edible horticulture in the UK are migrants from the EU. They will no longer be eligible to come here to pick the fruit and evidence suggests that Britons do not wish to do the work. Read our article on traffic contagion in Kent for more insights.

So, what foods will we not see on our shelves so much after Brexit? Here’s a short list:

“Still, the turnip is quite versatile”

“How about a good British Curry” I hear you say? Well the sauces are made in Patak’s factory in Poland. I understand that people are stockpiling Christmas Puddings, presumably informed by the instruction from Wizzard Johnson that “I wish it could be Christmas every day”. Sadly many of the ingredients are not indigenous to Britain.

Highway Star

“We make cars” I hear you say. Quite correct. Our most popular cars are made by Nissan (Japanese), Land Rover (Indian), Mini (German), Honda (Japanese) and Toyota (Japanese). Tariffs will make cars made in Britain more expensive to buy domestically or uncompetitive to export. We have already seen industry making tough choices on where to locate production and this will continue under Brexit.

Chris Barnett points out that if you want to buy a British car you can buy a Morgan. The engine is German though.

Fad Gadgets

Then there are the rest of the things we consume. Electronics, toys, computers. Most of them are imports which are therefore subject to whatever trade deals and relationships we chose to strike with the rest of the world if we continue with Brexit. Our level of trusthworthiness will largely dictate how these go.

Read our article on Trust by clicking the picture

The Drugs Don’t Work

And it’s not just food. See our article on medicine shortages. People will die for Brexit. Are you prepared to accept this on behalf of friends and loved ones? It’s all on you if you continue to want any kind of Brexit. Ask Wendy Novak about health and medicines after Brexit.

But we have lots of tanning booths, nail bars and hair salons, so that’s alright then

Dang, most of our cosmetic products are imported

Read our article on how to suspend Brexit by clicking the picture
Read our article on why Rejoining is a unicorn in the mid-long term by clicking the picture

Don’t just sit there:

Gift Britastrophe to MPs to prick their consciences on the toxic mixture of Corona + Brexit

Report MP’s for breaking international law

Ask your MP to act to suspend Brexit 

Find out why Suspending Brexit is still possible

Find out why Rejoining is a unicorn in the mid-long term

Join us at Futurama – an arts festival to change the world

There is no future in England’s dreaming

“We won the war. We won the World Cup. We won Brexit. I’ve not idea what it’s for but I’ll look a bit of a twat down the pub with my mates if I say so”
Still, the Brexiteers can drown in Watneys’ Red Barrel whilst Jacob Rees-Mogg laughs all the way to his tax haven

Windpower

Today, Boris Johnson will promise to power the UK with wind by 2030. In particular he promises £160 million in ports and factories across the country to manufacture the next generation of turbines. Malcolm Miller helpfully points out that this is about “half a footballer”.

It’s an ideal time for Boris to harness the winds of change. While he hasn’t quite blown it with the electorate, some of his back benchers have really got the wind up recently: at his inability to provide leadership, to offer a strategy or fulfil the simplest 3-word pledge. Now, perhaps it’s time to “Make Britain Whirl-beating”.

Since he was a cub reporter in Brussels, Johnson has always been a fan of hot air: from the supposed ban on prawn-flavoured crisps, to a fabrication on euro-coffins, he’s always known the power of a good wind-up. As a man capable of fabricating ‘an inverted pyramid of piffle’ on a whim, we’ve seen his promises on a checkless border for Northern Ireland, an oven-ready Brexit deal and 40 new hospitals for the NHS. Ireland is an unsolvable conundrum, the oven-ready deal’s in the bin, and 40 has shrunk to 6. So, how many times can a man talk up an empty pledge, before he can die in a ditch? Perhaps the answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.

Whilst a blow-by-blow account of Boris’s lies has inflated more blogs than your average gas-bag, let’s look at few choice outbursts:

Let’s spend £350 million per week on the NHS.

Let’s take back control of our fish.

There will be no checks on goods coming and going to Northern Ireland.

We’ll build 40 new hospitals. Six were built.

If I don’t get Brexit done by Halloween, I will die in a ditch.

“How many times can a man talk up an empty pledge, before he can die in a ditch? Perhaps the answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind” – Jane Berry

“Wind power couldn’t take the skin off a rice pudding” – Boris Johnson

We’ll get 50 000 more nurses in the NHS.

Pop Brexit in the microwave, gas mark 4.

I’ve had to give drinking up until Brexit is done.

When we leave the EU we can ban shark fin soup.

“Operation Moonshot” (millions of Corona tests with results within minutes) will see mass Corona testing by November. He did not say how many minutes or which year.

When we leave the EU we can have straight bananas.

We’ll get 20 000 more police officers on the street. They sacked 20 000 police offers in 2010.

EU regulations stop us lowering lorry windows to help cyclists.

“I didn’t make any remarks about Turkey” in the referendum”, after indicating that Turkey (population 76 million) is joining the EU.

With thanks to Catherine Reynolds

I will lie (sic) down in front of the bulldozers at Heathrow to stop them building the runway. Instead he was AWOL at the vote.

There may be bumps in the road with no deal.

 “I have not had an affair with Petronella. It is complete balderdash”.

Of the tests conducted at the 199 testing centres, as well as the mobile centres, they’re all done within 24 hours.

We will have a world-beating “test and trace” system by 1 June. Johnson did not say which year …

If you have lived overseas for 15 years Britons, unlike other foreign nationals, get no vote. Boris promised to abolish this law / rule when he came to power.

[20 000 people died unnecessarily in care homes] because too many care homes didn’t really follow the procedures in the way that they could have.

We will beat the virus by Christmas. He did not say which year …

We’ll help everyone cycle via the fix my bike scheme. The website broke on launch and then they said the scheme had closed.

And some surprises we did not expect:

A hard border in Kent and a “passport” scheme for people driving to Europe.

“Black people are piccaninnies with watermelon smiles”.

On Muslim face veils, Johnson said it is “absolutely ridiculous that people should choose to go around looking like letterboxes”.

Johnson backed a failed plan for a “floating paradise” across the River Thames wasting £43 million of your taxes. A mere trifle in comparison with the £200 billion blown on Brexit so far.

Boris has always favoured breezing through life with no responsibility. But with 15,000 test results lost, 70 mile lorry queues predicted for Kent, and power cuts predicted for next year, perhaps the time is coming when he might reap the whirlwind after all.

Don’t just sit there:

Gift Britastrophe to MPs to prick their consciences on the toxic mixture of Corona + Brexit

Report MP’s for breaking international law

Ask your MP to act to suspend Brexit 

Find out why Suspending Brexit is still possible

Find out why Rejoining is a unicorn in the mid-long term

Join us at Futurama – an arts festival to change the world

With thanks to Chris Barnett, LCD views, Malcolm Miller, Jane Berry, Janet Ashton, Helga Perry, Catherine Reynolds, Elaine Machin.

Daily Maul

Daily Maul Mangles Brexit

Take Action:

Report MP’s for breaking international law

Join us at Futurama – an arts festival to change the world

Find out why Suspending Brexit is still possible

Find out why Rejoining is a unicorn in the mid-long term

Please subscribe to our platform by clicking the e-mail button and selecting the categories you wish to include on the right hand side of this page.

Anti-Conservative Tory Government
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Whatever it takes, you fookin’ liar Rishi
Eat out to kill people – Johnson
He is now drinking his urine
Alright Geezer

Kent : Operation Pisspot

Following the announcement by Boris Johnson that he is going to build 50 000 more toilets in Kent to help lorry drivers stranded in villages and towns after Brexit, we invite you to join us at Lenham village on Saturday 17 October from 11.00 – 13.00 to celebrate Kent : Operation Pisspot. See Portaloo for the invite to the event. Here are some of the greatest pictures and artists’ impressions of this magnificent development.

Lenham remodelled
Lenham remodelled – Join us on Saturday
Operation Moonshit
Operation Moonshit

Meanwhile, Operation COVID piss up in a brewery continues, with Johnson repeating the mistake of too little too late from February. The phrase prevention is better than a cure springs to mind. He was advised to have a circuit breaker on September 21. Here we are nearly a month later and he continues to try to entertain us rather than make the difficult decisions. A late circuit breaker is probably inevitable. By then we may have “baked in” more than 30 000 unnecessary deaths.

A Britastrophe
A Britastrophe
Just going for a "Nigel" - Breaking Wind
Just going for a “Nigel” – Breaking Wind
The Three Bellends
Nigel will be opening The Three Bellends at some point

Sign the petition to name the lorry park after our Nige.

Your Portaloo awaits sire
Down on the farm, the silage is high

“Relieve your bowels at Johnson’s Jobbie Junction … just off the M20”

Portaloo
In Lenham, the first portaloo is installed

Meanwhile our “Chief Negotiator” Sir David Frost reports that the EU still fails to understand that it is the UK that wish to leave the EU and that they, the EU, must destroy their enterprise so that England can rule the waves. How silly of them to forget that we voted for Brexit. Johnson is now on his 4th missed deadline that HE set, but of course this is someone else’s fault as well … Please tweet David Frost to correct his delusions.

Take Action – Click on the links

Report MPs for breaking international law

Join us at Futurama – an arts festival to change the world

Find out why Suspending Brexit is still possible

Find out why Rejoining is a unicorn in the mid-long term

Read The “Daily Maul

Please subscribe to our platform by clicking the e-mail button and selecting the categories you wish to include.

Thanks to Chris Tandy for help with this article.

Flush Brexit

We must Flush Brexit down the pan … I was assembling my equipment for our Silent Brexit Protest in Kent last Friday evening … Musing upon the bizarre week of 1984 styled events, especially the spectacle of thousands of portaloos arriving in Kent to cope with 72 mile tailbacks of traffic on the main arteries (A2, A20, M20, M2, M25, M26, A299, A256, A28, A251, A249, A229, A228, A25, A26, A259, A227 etc.). Riffing on the idea of Flush Brexit, it came to me:

“Wouldn’t it be great if we had a portaloo for our event on Saturday in Lenham”

I considered scouring the town’s skips for a suitable toilet bowl, but time was short, so I decided to focus on more important matters …

On Saturday morning, whilst driving down to Lenham, w came upon a bidet bowl (forin’ innit) and cistern that had been fly-tipped on a drive of a country house just off the A249 trunk road. It was difficult to stop with lorries behind me, but I knew we were meant to Flush Brexit from my Friday night brain dump. I decided to make a detour of 7 miles by driving back up the A249 and returning to pull into the tiny hollow. We collected the bog by the side of the road. Mischief managed.

This put me in mind of the shit that is published by the Daily Mail, so here is today’s news dressed up as the Maul on Sunday:

The Sunday Maul
The Sunday Maul

In case you doubt where the actual stories come from, here are a few references:

PROJECT FACT:

Pension credit to be slashed

10 000 Portaloos in Kent

Hancock commits people to “death by Brexit

BOJO says we’ll have an Australian deal aka No Deal

William Shatner gives up on Britain for Star Trek merchandise

Flush Brexit down the pan

Jennifer Arcuri gaslights us away from Brexit catastrophe

There is no good Brexit
There is no good Brexit – Click to read
SuspEND Brexit - Click to read
SuspEND Brexit – Click to read
BBC - Brexit Border Control
BBC – Brexit Border Control – The latest from Cold War Steve – get his work from https://coldwarsteve.com/
Flush Brexit
Flush Brexit B-Day

Take Action – Click on the links

Report MPs for breaking international law

Join us at Futurama – an arts festival to change the world

Find out why Suspending Brexit is still possible

Find out why Rejoining is a unicorn in the mid-long term

Read The “Daily Maul

Please subscribe to our platform by clicking the e-mail button and selecting the categories you wish to include.