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Big Foot

Putin the boot in

By Don Adamson, Brexorcist in Chief, the Brexit Bunker, Barnsley.

This week’s homework: Discuss the following statement – ‘Woke’ is a term that Neo Nazi Nonces use to describe their moral and intellectual superiors. 

This week’s quotes:

Tory Trumpectory

Even Matt Hancock warned that the Tory Party would be finished if a Trumpian takeover was allowed to happen … If Tory party allows itself to taken over by a right wing version of Momentum … its future looks bleak …

Nigel Farage’s admission that ‘Brexit has failed shows once again that for Nigel Garbage it is always somebody else’s fault … has not delivered any benefits … totally mismanaged … The new Real Communism … just because it has all gone wrong does not mean it is a bad idea … what has gone wrong has done so in exactly the ways that every expert warned … Brexiters got their version of Brexit … Thick Lizzie attempted to deliver the Brexit that Nigel Garbage had been talking up for years … it exploded on contact with reality … instead of accepting that Brexit was always an idiotic fantasy the Nigel Garbages of the world scold others for failing to deliver … as effective as scolding the shopkeeper for selling a losing lottery ticket when you wanted a winner … 

Two cheeks of the same arsehole.
Two cheeks of the same arsehole.

Nat-C party

NatCees “Watching last week’s NATcees conference was a surreal as it was disturbing … Speakers sounded very whiny …. Tories have been in office for 13 years … got the hard Brexit that they wanted … an extraordinary lack of responsibility…. … and increasing sense from people running the show that someone else is in charge … publicly sulking that the job is hard … have become so detached from reality … they look at what they have done without realising that they did it … Evangelical Christians seem to have forgotten that they worship a homeless Rabbi Jew, a refugee who spoke Aramaic, was frequently homeless, lived in poverty, preached forgiveness, tolerance and loving one’s neighbour… 

National Illness Service

National Health Service “Hospital waiting lists spiral beyond 7M … patients wait months or even years for treatment … 300,000 adults wait for social care assessment … 2.5M Brits are out of work because they are sick … NHS staff leaving in droves …  the country’s recent record of revolutionary change does not inspire confidence” … Britain spends less on health care than France or Germany … in the next 25 years the number of Brits aged 85+ will double … makes no sense … the equivalent of buying more fire extinguishers while dismantling the smoke alarms …  Britain would rather forget about Liz Truss. She just won’t lettuce … NHS is in grave difficulties … few will forget how many patients died waiting for ambulances and lying in hospital corridors … one in eleven posts in the NHS is vacant … fewer hospital beds per person than almost any rich country, fewer CT scanners ..

Health outcomes lag behind peers … worst five year survival rates for killer diseases…. life expectancy lags behind … Britain invested the least capital per person in health care in 2015 … nurses, junior doctors, others … suffered a decade of real terms pay cuts … England now spends the lowest share of health budget on dentistry of any country in Europe … Britain is the third fattest country in Europe … if everybody was healthy weight … could save NHS £1.4B a year … reform technology … there is an awful lot of work to do … bungled implementation … NHS has a long list of problems to tackle …staff retention is poor. Politicians still liable to meddle, apart from Johnson who just hides in fridges when there is work to be done …

Brexit Too Little, Too Late
A stitch up in time saves nine …

Turncoats

This week’s quote: “Tom Tugendhat is new Security Minister at the Home Office … Remainer turned Leaver … holds dual British and French citizenship … has stake in two companies awarded £17.8M worth of government contracts … Accurx awarded 3576,458 contract to provide electronic communications for GP practices in … also participates £120M contract … for technology services …  ambivalent on Brexit … complained how bad things were getting … 

Industry “Britain’s semi-conductor industry show the bind the country is in … Britain’s announcement looks anaemic … Britain has a smattering of domestic chip firms, it lacks a big manufacturer … Can the government’s latest strategy move the needle? … Even its defenders concede it is unlikely to change things… Britain’s claim to be ‘world leader’ in tech is true only in the sense that it is blazing a trail for non-democracies to pass repressive laws…

Science, Tech and Environmental impacts of Brexit. It ain’t pretty.

Sick man of Europe

Economy … little –if any – good news in the figures … core inflation at its highest rate since 1992. … Rising mortgage costs and stubbornly high inflation…    will be wealthier than the UK by 2030 … Eastern Europe has been an economic underperformer for centuries … there is plenty of room for a surge … Poland did everything it could to get into the EU at earliest opportunity … fought to be as European as possible … UK has not even recovered to its pre Covid size … UK bouncing along the bottom for 15 years. UK productivity last grew this slowly in the 18th century…. on top of that we had Brexit … Britain needs to reform and go for growth … even if it had all those things it would still be outside the EU which is a deal breaker … we all benefit from a  wealthier Europe … An increasingly erratic Tory government in Westminster …

Ducking Stool
New Brexit treatments available from Jacob Rees-Mogg on the NHS.

Shameful behaviour

Government’s immigration policy is incoherent … Brits want more nurses, doctors, fruit pickers, carers, academics, computer whizzes and students … Tories have come up with an impeccably botched response … Tories pledged to cut immigration … has instead overseen an immigration increase to a record level  … Immigration has increased sharply since the Brexit vote … The government could crack down on fruit pickers but farmers would scream. Few voters would thank a government that turns away nurses. Cutting immigrations comes at a cost that voters show no willingness to pay 

Daily Mail Richard Littlejohn … salary £1M a year … shoutiest Daily Mail shouty man … contends that civil service and renegade Tories are working to destroy Tory government … could not name a single one of these dastardly plotters … because they do not exist … Desperate.

Social impacts of Brexit – well worth 10 minutes of your time.

Johnsonism

Johnson deranged Tories risk destroying themselves over Johnson … much energy expended on artificial intelligence … no less spectacular growth of the other 21st century phenomenon: stupidity  … Why do so many Tories want to bring back Johnson? … trousering millions for speaking engagements and memoirs … politics as gruesome showbiz … jaded cabaret act … betrayal narrative is hardening in Tory Party … Johnson is  Tory Party future … new lockdown breaches … In a rational world this would be bad news for Johnson … deranged dystopia of Tory town … noisily presented by militant Borisians as evidence of foul play … manifest absurdity of such a disgraced figure making a comeback is eclipsed by the intoxicating myth of a great man felled by lesser mortals … eight cabinet ministers called for his return to Downing St … growing marked in increasingly desperate Tory Party for a simple solution to a huge electoral problem …

Honey I shredded the evidence
Honey I shredded the evidence.

Sunakered

Richy Scumbag project has disastrously failed … floundering abjectly in the real world Tories are seeking solace in magical thinking … conveniently forget that dragged the government into an ethical sewer … many travesties and scandals … He ought to be a political pariah … example of political culture in bad shape … nostalgia at its most corrosive. It ought to be a cause for anxiety far beyond the Tory Party… Fees for Eton … £15,432 each half which means thrice yearly … does not stretch to fractions…  

Big Foot
BIG FOOT Sunak thinks that it’s agreeable to spend £50 000 on helicopters EVERY DAY in the middle of a cost of living crisis.

Brexiter’s Bible

Even Express readers see the light … universal consensus that Brexit was a terrible idea … Brexiter’s Bible, the Daily Express … declared that two thirds of its readers consider Brexit to be a failure … even that unflushable turd, Nigel Garbage, agrees … it is only a failure if you were naive enough to believe that Brexit was MEANT  to make things better … prior to becoming the Brexiter’s Bible the Express sustained itself as the in-house magazine for  posthumous stalkers of Princess Diana … 

Brexit Bible
The Brexit Bible.

Fog on the Tyne

Teesside Scandal Richy Scumbag claims ‘it is the Tories who are delivering for Tyneside’ … even Gove’s panel should be able to work out that the no risk, free money bonanza … is delivering a lot more for a few select Teessiders than for the rest … 

Travel delays Electronic borders crashed … latest fiasco … lamentable attempts bring entry points into the 21st century…

Pip Pip             Don Adamson Medway Delta (Retired)           Brexorcist and Saboteur First Class 

Save the Bollocks to Brexit Mini

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Save the Bollocks to Brexit Mini Cooper

Save the Bollocks to Brexit Mini

Do you want to save the ‘Bollocks to Brexit’ Mini Cooper from the scrap yard? We need funds to take ‘Johnson’ the mini on the road around UK and Europe to remind people that Brexit has failed. The car has generated significant mainstream media publicity for the Rejoin / anti-Brexit cause. Accordingly, now that less than 1/5th of British people think that Brexit was worth it, we plan to take the car on tour to local groups for the purpose of mass Brexorcisms. Our visits can be accompanied by a musical protest and motivational speeches.

Save the Mini

This story went across all mainstream media in UK, Ireland and Europe. It went as far as the New York Times and Australia !! It’s a superior return on your investment.

We have taken the car from Dominic Cummings house to Barnard Castle to check our eyesight. Also to Brussels, and all round Britain. The car, codenamed ‘Johnson’ was stopped by Essex Traffic Policeman PC Smith, in a rage on the M25 motorway.  Smith asked us to remove the signage on the car on the hard shoulder of the M25, putting the police officer and the passengers at risk of death.  Subsequently, Smith has not been located by Essex Police some three years after we provided his full details to the force … All that is needed is political will to change the ongoing ‘Britastrophe‘.  

From Wikipedia.

Brexit has failed. Rejoin EU

We will put boots on the ground to stomp on the big footed fuckers of Brexit bollocks.
Daily Maul

Honey, I shredded the evidence

In this edition of the Daily Maul we look at how the populist media keep us focused on dead cats rather than the things that affect our futures … To read more of these please check out Private Eyelines. The book makes an excellent gift for Brexiteers in regret. Private Eyelines provides a sense of uplift for people who are sick to death of fascist Nat-C Brexit Britain. Here’s some hard facts and fiction busters to help you navigate today’s papers.

Cash ‘n’ Carrie

FACT : Carrie Johnson is NOT delivering the 3rd Johnson baby on Thursday at 4pm as far as we know. However, a public inquiry about Johnson’s conduct is in progress. Baroness Hallett has called for Johnson’s WhatsApp messages to help with that inquiry. It therefore seems terribly convenient that Carrie is up the duff. Swivel headed Tory loon Andrea Jenkyns said that we must leave Johnson alone, as Carrie is having a baby. Johnson literally did leave Carrie alone, by jetting off to the US to earn millions on the conference circuit, instead of spending time in his Uxbridge constituency and supporting his wife.

By giving Johnson more time to produce the evidence, it gives Johnson more time to delete messages that would incriminate him. In case you think that this witch hunt is bad form, never forget that Johnson’s decisions caused 30 000 unnecessary deaths. These were political CHOICES and not necessities. Ethics matter if you are leading the country through a pandemic. People misunderstand the difference between leadership and comedy.

FICTION : As far as we know Johnson has NOT shagged Andrea Jenkyns. His diary is full. Doubtless Nadine will be trying to access Johnson’s binbag.

To distract us, this is what the papers actually say today. Who gives a flying fuck what Holly Willoughby is doing?

You are being taken for fools.

Whats Appened?

FACT : Rishi Sunak has said that he does not think it would be helpful for the COVID inquiry to see his WhatsApp messages, claiming that they would be irrelevant. In the words of the Police “if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear sir”. What might Rishi be wishing to hide? FICTION : as far as we know, Rishi Sunak has not ordered more shredders for The Cabinet Office. It already has plenty from the Johnson era.

Cats Against Brexit Mayhem

FICTION : Larry the cat has NOT been arrested, nor beaten up by the Met Police. FACT : We don’t know if Matt Hancock has deleted WhatsApp. We do know that he gave out COVID PPE contracts to people with no experience of making medical devices. He also gave special access to Tory donors, irrespective of whether they were experienced PPE manufacturers. We know that much of the PPE did not work. We know that this cost the earth when a more responsible approach was needed in a crisis. We also know that reputable manufacturers were ignored in favour of pub landlords and personal friends. Michelle Mone and Dido Harding are still at large.

Join us at Cats Against Brexit Mayhem

WHATS APPENED? Read more by clicking the image.
The real Daily Mail today – Leading through FURY, shock horror and plain lies.

The Daily Mail, Express, Sun et al systematically delete and downgrade inconvenient truths whilst distracting us with trivia and hyperbolic headlines. Many people almost literally eat their lies for breakfast. It works because many people would either prefer oblivion or entertainment to the awful truths about Brexit, the cost of living, global collaboration, wars and so on. Despite what many would say, these big issues DO affect our daily lives. One of the things the populist media wish to distract us from today is the simply appalling CPTPP trade deal that we did not vote for. Nor does it make up for the losses from Brexit in any way shape or form. The CPTPP deal will only contribute 1/50th of that needed just to stand still after Brexit. And that only after 10+ years. CPTPP contribution to GDP is + 0.08% over 10 years. Brexit losses worth MINUS 4% GDP. Do the math. Simply stated:

CPTPP gains + 0.08% Brexit losses – 4% GDP

Cold Chain Shane misrepresenting CPTPP on BBC Radio 4.

This film we made about Boris Johnson’s burned Brexit deal way back is now coming home to roost. All the Brexit carnage was baked in by Johnson and now we are in ‘Brexit fire sale mode’, willing to make deals at ANY cost.

Reject the lies. Reject the Maul, Excess, Son, Telegravda. Reject Brexit

Join us to end Brexit Chaos : Wed 7 June 8pm UK time on ZOOM

Read more : The stench of corruption

Read more : Books to change minds on Brexit

Brexit bunker

Brexit breakdown

Don Adamson reports the news that the papers refuse to print. Don writes from his Brexit bunker in Barnsley.

When a child is born

This week’s homework: Discuss the following statements:

1. Johnson fanzine has announced that Princess Nut Nuts is expecting again. This is (says the Daily Mail) Johnson’s 8th child. There are probably more that we do not know of. Johnson objects to contraception for ecological reasons. He is against single use plastic. Gammons and flagshaggers will tell you that genetics count for more than experience or learning. That being Johnson and his ilk should be forcibly vasectomised.

2. Johnson is the diarrhoea that keeps on giving.

3. Discuss the following statement: ‘Gentlemen in England now abed will hold their manhood cheap and think themselves accursed they were not here.’ Shakespeare reckoned without Johnson, Nigel Garbage and other Brexit war heroes who brag about their superlative gallantry in wars that ended before they were born. Did Shakespeare get it wrong or is it more a case of Johnson, Nigel Garbage and other Brexit war heroes may be a lot of things but they are not gentlemen? 

Coincidence or cock up?

Have Patience

This week’s quotes: “Lady Patience Wheatcroft is not in favour with the Tories after shifting from the Tory benches to the cross benches and, while once reliably Conservative, has made her opposition to Brexit clear … after voting for Brexit Bournemouth is in deep remorse, with the Lib Dems establishing themselves as the dominant force on  the local council … Dorset Chamber of Commerce complained that Brexit was having ‘serious detrimental impact on exports’… not delivering the positives that were promised … Scotland may yet prove a steep uphill climb for Labour while it continues to be pro Brexit … don’t write off the SNP … Labour’s position on the EU and the Lib Dem’s ambivalence … will be an open door for The SNP at the next election … ‘Voter ID’ did not help the Tories … next they will stipulate that the only valid proof of ID will be a Tory Party membership card … inaugural conference of the Conservative Democratic organisation, convened by those Tories horrified by the sudden leftward lurch into outright Communism that the party has taken under Richy Scumbag (stop laughing) … Jacob Grease Bogg … perhaps still stung by the fact that during his tenure as Secretary of State for Brexit Opportunities he never found any …. started plucking Brexit benefits from his limited imagination … spectacular Bulwarks even by Grease Bogg standards …

Have Patience.

Anger is an energy

Commons Speaker Sir Lindsay Hoyle is incensed … If Lindsay Hoyle is angry with Tories then they really are running out of friends … Johnson leans on rich friends for freebies … on 25 separate occasions since August he has passed through Heathrow airports palatial Windsor Suite. At £1,800 a pop the suite is part of Heathrow’s VIP experience. He has received almost £50,000 in lounge hospitality alone …£250,000: Johnson’s legal fees funded by the taxpayer…. £2.5M advance Johnson received from speaking agency in January … 

Surrey Heath council covers Gove’s constituency was won by the Lib Dems … Reigate and Banstead is now the only council in Surrey where Tories have a majority . Right across the stockbroker belt Tory ministers and ex ministers saw control of councils go to the Lib Dems’… another example of this government’s neglect and mismanagement…

Abandon ship

NHS is now so overloaded that delays and human errors are inevitable and increasing … subject to aggressive litigation … as if doctors needed another reason to abandon the NHS …  a recent survey by the Medical Protection society of doctors who had been reported to the GMC in the past five years … nearly a third had experienced suicidal thoughts … NHS has always been reliant on overseas trained doctors, even more so now that many UK trained doctors are leaving …

GMC has adopted 23 recommendations to stamp out bias against ethnic minority doctors. A greater problem is that GMC expects impossibly high standards of performance in a crumbling health service with more complaining patients … workload is higher than the service can competently manage … Regime’s ineptitude. Hobbled by Cronyism and graft … economy is creating fewer opportunities … less direct foreign investment …  danger of accelerating, perhaps violent, decline …

Nowhere man

We have no clue what Starmer really believes in … will not tell us what our post Brexit relationship with EU should be … Britain’s Public Order Act goes too far … UN High Commissioner for Human Rights said it imposed ‘serious and undue restriction’ … fears of erosion of civil liberties in Britain … Further indication of Home Office authoritarian tendencies …. a law does not need to put people in prison to do damage … further eroding trust in the police following a series of dreadful scandals at the Met … badly written law … hard to justify a move to Britain … Britain’s car industry is another pressure point ….

Under pressure

Steelmaking is also under strain …  too many unanswered questions … Brexit upheavals add to uncertainty. …  Over 2M British homes suffer from disrepair that pose a risk to public health … costs to NHS estimated at £290M a year …Tories and Britain would like to forget about Thick Lizzie … on tour … to chide the enemies of freedom and stand up to China … given her record it is surprising people listen to her … calls for an ‘economic NATO to stand up to China … (COMMENT: There is one: the EU) … Thick Lizzie may be the least successful PM in British history … emblematic of deeper problems in government … complains about having no control (COMMENT: Surely that is the whole point of Brexit?) … 

Private Eyelines
Extract from Private Eyelines – click to view.

Migration observatory

Braverman complains about 1M immigrants to UK this year without mentioning that she is responsible …  Thick Lizzie is a problem for the Tories not because she is the exception but because she is the rule … her ideas live on … Johnson intervenes only if he thinks it will enhance his slim chances of a return to power … loony economic policies … Fox News fired *ucker Carlson … viewership fell from 3M during his final week to 1.5 the following week … biggest beneficiary has been Newsmax, even further right than Fox … viewership rose from 150,000 to nearly 500,000 ..

Praise the Lords

Loss of Carlson’s divisive populism has led 1.15M people to abandon conservative cable news in prime time…  Performance in the House of Lords by Lord Johnson of Lainston … caused despair even on Tory benches … decline in car manufacturing is an especially depressing example of Brexit affecting industry … Johnson saw it as an opportunity to take puerile swipes at the EU … disturbing comments by Cur James Dyson (COMMENT: notorious Brexiter) that the government was not on the side of industry …

Lord Fox (Lib Dems) said industry was at a watershed … car manufacturers would simply go to France or Germany … one Tory peer said waves of political appointees have made Tory benches a laughing stock … worst fears for the Lords realised … gift for the abolitionists ….

Gammon corner

All Perspectives is still pumping money into GB News despite £33M losses … takes funds injected by investors to  £120M … Who can explain what Labour’s economic policy is? … numbers raising their hands to answer alarmingly low … at Derby …’Is Brexit going well or badly? Result Well 0% Badly 100% … Same in Edinburgh and Glasgow … populists love to inflame their fellow believers with slogans, myths for a past that never was … recent National Conservative conference  highlighted the threat of the far right … most mainstream Tories wisely stayed away.

Why Michael Gove chose to appear is baffling (COMMENT: Not baffling to me – Gove is a Murdoch lackey of the worst description) … strange and unsettling London conference … home to an evangelical Christian church … Johnson was hardly more popular than Scumbag…. inward looking, illiberal, censorious conservatism … nostalgia for a rose tinted past … fuelled by anger, pessimism, paranoia and disdain for any who disagree …  portray opponents as sinister and evil. Object furiously when the same accusations are levelled at them … demonisation of anybody to the left of them; which is probably 95% of the British population….

Nat-C Party

NATcees assertion of moral superiority … no acknowledgement that they have won four successive elections and might themselves be responsible for the dire state of the nation … Braverman distanced herself from an immigration which she has been in charge of for 7 months … Johnson was the embodiment of selfish reckless individualism that they now decry … Rees Mogg did admit that requiring ID cards to votes was a failed attempt at gerrymandering … hailed Brexit … none thought fit to mention the calamitous consequences of Brexit … has actually boosted immigration …

Braverman castigated the ‘prognosticators of doom’ who said Brexit would be a catastrophe … Tory Party beginning to fragment into warring factions as it faces an electoral drubbing … an ugly search for scapegoats … sensible Conservatives stayed away … 

Don Adamson Pip Pip             Medway Delta (Retired)           Brexorcist and Saboteur First Class    

Read more : Brexit under the microscope 

From the vault : Five years of Brexit

Daily Excess

What the papers say

I’ve briefly restarted our parody newspaper format. In these editions of the Daily Excess and the Daily Maul (Maul credit Aidan Grooville), we cover what the papers say … and what they do not …. To read more of these please check out Private Eyelines. The book makes an excellent gift for Brexiteers in regret and provides a sense of uplift for people who are sick to death of fascist Nat-C Brexit Britain. These days I have to include a fact and fiction decoder as few can tell the difference between fantasy and real life.

Click the dead cat to read Private Eyelines.
Daily Hate Mail
Click the Cruella children’s doll to read Private Eyelines.

FACT and FICTION analysis

FACT : Nigel Farage has declared that Brexit has failed. Yes, Brexit has failed !!! However, of course, it’s not his fault. Evidently, it’s never Nigel’s fault !!

Brexit has failed. Own it Nigel.

FICTION : Liz Truss has not declared war on the Japanese with cheese or in real life.

FACT : However, three years after the Brexit deal, the fiendishly clever Japanese are still copying Cornish Pasties and other British Brexit favourites as this report shows. Liz pretended that Welsh lamb, Whitstable oysters, Thurrock gammon etc. could now be protected names after Brexit, but it turns out she was wrong (again). Also, Liz managed to waste £70 billion on her ‘Brexonomics’ experiment on the nation with her boyfriend Kwasi Kwarteng. Kwasi refuses to apologise for ruining young people’s lives as this interview on Channel 4 News shows.

Not sorry, not sorry


FACT : Boris Johnson has sired another child. The news coincides with the verdict on Johnson’s conduct in office from the select committee this week. Seems convenient. Accordingly, this follows a long list of lies from the Johnson stable. Perhaps you remember when Johnson went into hospital with COVID on Good Friday. Subsequently he was deemed as being at serious risk and needing a ventilator. However, on the third day, he rose, just like Jesus and was deemed to be as fit as a butcher’s dog. Strange. Even stranger, the nurses who cared for him disappeared without trace!

FICTION : Bojo is not making 10 000 doses of his sperm available for a EUgenics experiment on the mass production of Johnson’s. Nadine Dorries is not acting as an incubator for the Johnson seed.

Thanks to David Lawton

Dancing on thin ice


FICTION : The BBC are not changing the formula for Dancing on Ice to include a sewage dance floor as a contribution to environmental stewardship. Nor is the programme to be renamed Dancing on Shite.

FACT : Therese Coffey has claimed that there is less sewage in our rivers although this is clearly untrue. Moreover, Coffey also dodged questions about Suella Braverman’s interference regarding her convictions including having no knowledge of her phone number. Significantly, Rishi Sunackered seemed unable to make any meaningful comment about Suella Braverman when pressed on the matter in Japan.

Sheer lies.

FACT : Suella Braverman and Priti Patel are fighting like cats in a sack over the prize on who is the best fascist after her denouncement of Braverman at the Alt Right Conservative Party Conference last week. This follows our recent revelation that Conservative MP Rehman Chishti also criticised Braveman in order to prop up the Pakistani vote in the local elections. Accordingly, Suella wins our award for fascist of the year, along with Jacob Rees-Mogg:

What the papers say.

Click to read Private Eyelines – Have I got fake Brexit news for EU.

Private Eyelines
Click to read inside on Amazon.

Private Eyelines
Read Private Eyelines on Amazon by clicking the extract.
Private Eyelines
Private Eyelines – Brexit satire – Click to read on.
Brexit Wars

BREXIT WARS

It seems that we have reached the stage of the Brexit Wars. We knew it would come. This is the first time that a country has declared war on itself and Britain leads the world in this area. Here is our latest Daily Maul page on Brexit Wars, with a fact and fiction checker below, just in case you cannot tell the difference.

Click image to read our Brexit satire book on Amazon.

In case of doubt …

FICTION : Cod have not learned to speak, although they speak more sense than Boris Johnson when he says that The Royal Navy is to be converted to the Royal Fish Fingering Fleet in readiness for the Brexit Wars. I prepared a new advert for The Royal Navy to help them recruit First Fish Officers.

Brexit Wars
Cod Wars.

FACT : Scotch Egg sales have risen on an unprecedented basis.

FACT : Boris Johnson and David Frost did look like a sack of potatoes when they attended the dinner with Ursula Von der Leyen and Michel Barnier, who looked stylish. Even cats were dismayed at the contrast.

New Look for Johnson
The slobs formerly known as Frost and Johnson out vogued by some cats and some dignified leaders.

FACT : The Brexit Microwave deal has not been delivered. This was an election promise. For an explantion of how we got here in five minutes see “Brexit in five minutes”:

Talking Heads – Steve Peer interviews Peter Cook.

FICTION : Priti Patel is NOT re-enacting the Irish Potato Famine in practice. However, she is in principle by threatening trade wars.

FACT : Kent County Council is not ready for Brexit. Kent is set to become the Toilet of England. See our appearance on “Have I Got News For You”:

Watch Have I Got News For EU.

FACT : Matt Hancock stood alone in cabinet, asking for the COVID vaccine to be prioritised. Perhaps we should thank him for standing up to idiots and Dominic Cummings. We are not sure he actually cried as it seemed to be interspersed with laughter. The search for onions continues.

Tears of a clown.

FACT : No deal Brexit and a Brexit deal are virtually indistinguishable from a practical viewpoint. Brexit can be stopped or suspended if political will changes. See our interviews with MEPs.

Sajjad Karim, Conservative.
Molly Scott-Cato, Green.
Julie Ward, Labour.

Write to opposition MPs. Ask them to oppose all forms of Brexit. Silence is assent.

Brexit Wars. What are they good for? Absolutely nothing.

Huh !!
Cod in Bitter Sauce – Image Cold War Steve.
Looking after No 1

Looking after No 1

As Christmas comes, it is traditional to think of others rather than Looking after No 1. Selfishness or Looking after No 1 gave us Brexit. So, it warms my heart to discover that Dominic Cummings has taken a £45 000 pay rise. I imagine that this is a bonus for Dom’s “leadership” in breaking lockdown rules, by driving 500 miles to take an eyesight test. This, while Boris Johnson asks public sector workers to take a pay freeze. Yes, Dom deserves is £45 000 and the nurses, doctors, carers, council workers et al deserve nothing at all. Looking after No 1 really works.

Our remake of Durham Town. Poignant.

It’s even more gratifying to learn that Jacob Rees-Mogg, Minister for the 18th Century, has condemned UNICEF’s attempt look after others, after they tried to help the world’s most vulnerable children. I understand that Mr Mogg intends to start workhouses for these children rather than rely on handouts from damned charities.

Jacob is a disgrace.

Herd Immunity

As the COVID R rate for Britain rises to 1.1-1.2, it is heartwarming to learn that the virus does not visit Private schools. Eton College is closed but state schools remain open. I confidently predict that we are headed for another national lockdown to mask problems from “Getting Brexit Done”. Johnson may lack competence in many things but he is brilliant at Looking after No 1. Locking us down after Christmas and using the law to enforce the measures will ensure that people are unable or unwilling to protest or riot against Brexit.

Already, we have 20 mile queues in Kent on the roads. We are also told that the lorry parks promised by Kent County Council will not be ready for months, due to “unplanned rain”.

Operation Pisspot.
Have I Got News For You features “Operation Pisspot”.

Devaluation of the truth

We have also been let inside the not so secret recipes of the Conservative Party recently. Wellingborough Conservative Party advise that sometimes it’s better to lie quickly rather than tell the truth slowly. Does that accord with you to get on in life as part of Looking after No 1?

Is self interest our default position?

Can we not do better than this?

Keir Starmer must oppose Brexit.

Where is the opposition?

Keir Starmer appears to be following the lead of The Midwife of Brexit aka Jeremy Corbyn, by appearing to back a deal. There is no good Brexit deal and the will of the people has changed dramatically. At what point will he and Labour oppose the greatest disaster to face our children? When it’s too late?

Some other bugger’s fault

Looking after No 1 demands that everything is always someone else’s fault. As expected, Johnson continues to blame the European Union for Brexit. I mean, it’s obvious:

  • The Conservatives set the Brexit vote up to heal a problem of cohesion within their own party.
  • The plan failed. Brexit has consumed three Prime Ministers so far.
  • The concept of No Deal was invented a year after the vote was taken. It was never mentioned at the time of the referendum.
  • Various aspects of Brexit have been deemed illegal. These are clearly the fault of judges, doomsayers and snowflakes

All of the above is clearly the fault of The European Union and not the Conservative Party and those who were taken in my the lies. How could anyone think it was Britain that voted for Brexit?

The Blame Game
The Blame Game.

Brexit Means Brexit (still)

Everywhere I work, people are puzzled about why we are still pursuing this and I did this explainer video for our American friends the other week:

Season’s Brexit Greetings.

Enjoy spending your sovereignty this Christmas.

Infect a friend.

Looking after No 1 seems to be in vogue at this time. I am sure that karma will eventually kick in on this shower of liars, bullies and cheats. Britain was better than this … remember Live Aid?

Will the British people do the usual thing? To walk on by and ignore our sleepwalk into fascism? To moan about what happened AFTER it happened?

We can do better than this

Come out of the darkness

Into the light

Our requiem for Brexit. Please download the songs on Bandcamp.

The game has changed

The game has changed. Here’s a quick piece of Brexit analysis on the day that the world turned in on Trump and Brexit populism.

Johnson’s Brexit strategy has relied on the ability to bully Europe. Johnson has used the bargaining chip that Britain will become a rogue state on the edge of Europe with an Anglo-American trade deal. The game has changed …

NO LONGER APPLIES

Joe Biden has a long memory regarding Johnson’s attacks on Obama, women and ethnic minorities. The game has changed and the so called special relationship …

NO LONGER APPLIES

Johnson had relied on breaching The Good Friday Agreement and breaking international law to “Get Brexit Done”. The game has changed …

NO LONGER APPLIES

The EU has tried to accommodate Britain in Brexit negotiations, so as to maintain a sense of decency in world politics. This, despite the fact that Britain has not made any good faith attempts to negotiate. The game has changed …

NO LONGER APPLIES

True leadership.

Trump favoured UK in terms of doing a trade deal, as a means of pivoting against the EU. Biden’s appointment means that the EU’s main focus will now turn to America, rather than a small country in economic and social ruin. The game has changed …

NO LONGER APPLIES

True leadership.

We can no longer expect Trump to be focused on the UK and Brexit. His next two months will be fully occupied in fighting legal actions, making himself look even more foolish and gradually being ostracised by his allies. I imagine he will spend a lot of time on the golf course. Perhaps a slot on “I’m a failed celebrity, get me out of here”. The game has changed …

NO LONGER APPLIES

In conclusion, the game has changed and …

BREXIT NO LONGER APPLIES

Take Action

Write to your MP and demand that they oppose the toxic combination of Corona + Brexit – sample letters below.

Write to the press with the same ambition.

Write to EU leaders and encourage them to hold firm on Brexit negotiations now that Johnson is alone.

Please read Brexit Choices and Suspended Animation.

Johnson – alone again naturally
Betrayed by Brexit Johnson
Dry your populist tears Johnson

Sample Letters to MP’s – TY Rachel Ashley and Catherine Reynolds

Dear xxx,

Given the Biden victory, would you now agree that a two year extension to the transition period is probably wise, to allow Britain to cope with the COVID crisis?

Yours sincerely

Dear xxx

I see your government has done another u-turn on free school meals in the holidays for hungry children. Surely this is getting embarrassing for MP’s such as yourself, who support the government one week only for the Executive to do a u-turn the following week (or so). This looks like a failure of leadership to me.

I assume this was announced yesterday because most of the world of the world was watching Joe Biden defeat Donald Trump in the USA Presidential election. However President elect Biden’s stance on Brexit is well-known. He thinks the UK is following a foolish and divisive line which has the potential to severely damage Anglo-Irish relations and undermine the Good Friday Agreement. He has said more than once the USA will not trade with the UK if it breaks the Good Friday Agreement. It is telling that when asked by a BBC journalist if he had anything to say to the BBC he said ‘I am Irish’.

I ask you to reconsider your position. Brexit is going to add considerably more damage to the British economy at a time when it is massively struggling under the economic pressure caused by COVID. I am aware the PM Johnson was in talks with the President of the European Commission yesterday and I assume that is to try and cobble together some sort of deal for Mr Johnson to then sell to the British people as the best deal ever when we all know that at best it will give Britain a few crumbs from the EU table and will still cause, what could turn out be, irreparable damage to the British economy with no hope in the short or medium term of even the semblance of a deal with the USA to mitigate a small part of the damage.

I am therefore asking you to put Britain first and to put pressure on the Executive to go to the European Council and ask for Brexit to be suspended for 2 years with Britain still in transition mode. Your current leader should have no difficulty in doing another u-turn to achieve this as he is very used to doing them. A two year suspension of Brexit will give your Party time to sort out what is clearly a failure of leadership and the Government time to get control of how the country can begin to live with the COVID 19 virus without severely damaging either the economy or the health of the nation.

Yours sincerely

Changing Minds on Brexit

Changing Minds on Brexit

The aftermath of the Trump election shows us that we still have a long way to go in order to lead with truth, transparency and humility in a troubled world. In the UK, Boris Johnson is copying Trump’s design, by escalating his false promises, blame and lies to nuclear levels. “Operation Moonshot” has just failed to deliver. Christmas is almost certainly cancelled. Johnson continues to blame others for our Government’s continual “Cake and Eat it too” approach to Brexit negotiations. Changing Minds on Brexit on an industrial scale will be required if we are to return towards trust in politics and politicians. In this context I intend to serialise some chapters of my book “Let’s Talk About BREX..it“.

A successful Brexorcism takes skill, patience and time. Here is the preface to the book:

Why I wrote this book

I was in my late 50’s when Brexit began.  I am now over 60 and although Brexit is “in the microwave, gas mark four”, it is still far from done, some would say overdone.  Brexit will probably come undone in the coming year one way or another.  Speaking personally, Brexit will not affect me positively or negatively.  Outside my anti-Brexit life, I am an author, business consultant, speaker and knowledge worker who has always traded on a worldwide basis. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ll be in a shallow grave by the time that any of the supposed Brexit benefits materialise.  Even 18th Century retro-Latin imperialist adventure capitalist Jacob Rees-Mogg said that we will get nothing back from Brexit for 50 years … I’m impatient in the age of Corona … not for myself, but for future generations.

Setting Brexit and Corona aside for a moment, we are merely responsible landlords of planet earth. If we do well in our lives, our aim should be to leave the planet in a better state that when we arrived.  If the nature of our life and work does not allow us to answer that call, we must at least be guided by the principle of “do no harm.”  We owe it to our children, their kids and the planet to do our best and stand up to those who would do harm in pursuit of narrower and more destructive goals.  Brexit is a narrow ambition that would continue England’s love affair with disaster capitalism, lower standards of environmental stewardship and increased carbon footprints from more global trading.  This is all happening at a time when the drive to solve world problems requires greater levels of collaborative leadership and co-dependency.  Complex world problems require joined up thinking instead of splendid isolation and “I’m alright Jack and Jill” behaviours.

This requires us to continue the conversation with leave voters and, of course, Remainers, some of whom now have terminal Brexit apathy.  These difficult conversations are made even more difficult when we currently must conduct them using socially distanced means.  This book equips you with strategies, skills and stories to help you have these difficult conversations.  A mind shift requires skill, patience and time.  Over thousands of hours of fieldwork, it becomes apparent that, sometimes you need several sittings with your chosen subject, client or victim.  The book provides a compendium of support with skill and patience.  It will also help you use your precious time to greater impact.

Grab a copy of Let’s Talk About Brex..it on Amazon – click the review

Human beings have achieved great things for the planet.  Sadly the human condition also includes a few human faults.  Greed, avarice, ego and so on.  We have witnessed it most recently in the fanatical stockpiling of toilet rolls amidst the Corona crisis. It means we think short term, sometimes selfishly and nostalgically. Crucially we don’t always realise that we are in this together with our neighbours and others we share this fragile earth with.  As far as I know, earthworms, hydrangeas and molluscs do not share the faults of the “human race.”  It is perhaps time to stop racing and trying to Trump each other, to consider what we can learn from the rest of the animal and plant kingdom.  After all, we are allegedly more intelligent than snails …  We must learn to be responsible custodians of planet earth.  Brexit threatens to isolate Britain in a world that desperately needs more collaboration and co-operation.  Worse still, Brexit takes Scotland, Northern Ireland and some parts of Wales and England down with it.  To what purpose?  I am still waiting for answers.

You may be asking yourself “Surely it is too late to stop Brexit?  A piece of paper was signed on 31 January 2020 so isn’t it all done now?”  I will work through the arguments as to why Brexit can be stopped later in this book.  However, some Remainers suffer from what psychologists call “Learned Helplessness”?  This is the condition where people believe that there is nothing they can do to alter the course of Brexit or that they should not interfere, due to faux notions of “democracy” or “the will of the people”.  In other words “we can’t do anything” and “we must not do anything”.  My own brother who voted to Remain is part of what the Rt Hon Ken Clarke calls the “indifferent majority” and has quoted “the will of the people”.  In truth he is fearful of the far right and it’s easier to comply rather than resist.  Whilst I completely understand his position and that of others like him, such people are an absolute danger to the resolution of such problems.  I am quite sure that the vast majority of the German people did not think that Mr Hitler would do anything awful in 1938.  Some simply looked away.  Simply stated, silence is assent. 

Taking first the issue of feeling there is nothing that can be done to change things, this is fundamentally untrue.  This book offers a wide palette of things we can do.  At the highest levels of thinking, quite simply, Brexit is a political process and not a legal one. All that is needed at the basic level would be an e-mail to cancel it, followed by a lot of grovelling in private, probably the fall of the prevailing Government or certainly the key players.   Eventually a lengthy public process would be created and some “ceremony” to allow us to rejoin the EU or simply not to leave.  However, this “christening ceremony” would almost certainly be followed by “terms and conditions”, based on the fact that our Brexit belligerence has been largely informed by decades of the UK “having its cake and eat it too” aka getting its own way on things like Shengen, the Euro etc.

On the question of “should we interfere?” this again is a simple matter to debunk. Democracy informed by gross lies on the NHS, immigration etc. targeted Facebook ads, overspending on election campaigns are not the high-water marks of democracy. In any case, some four years on, the demographics of Brexit have altered considerably with approximately 1.5 million leave voters having spun off this mortal coil and 1.7 million young people becoming eligible to vote, creating a significant shift on the “will of the people”.  As I write this update, it rather seems that these demographics are likely to be disproportionately affected by Boris Johnson’s Corona Cull of older voters.  In any case, “Generation Greta”, above all else, understand our connectedness and co-dependency.

The other question that should be troubling you some four years later is the one that asks the Buzzcocks’ Brexit question “What do I get?”.  Perhaps we don’t ask the question in a selfish way, but nonetheless it becomes relevant to ask what benefits are on offer to our fellow citizens if we are to endure some 50 years of pain to get there.  It is a question I’ve asked tirelessly during thousands of hours of street encounters and one I still cannot get any sensible answers on from the common man or woman.  The best I have had in recent times came from the man who wanted to leave the EU so that he could land a 5 lb bass from the Swale in Kent and the other man who was willing to throw all the benefits of EU membership away because he personally thought that garlic was used too much in the local cafes and restaurants.

Changing Minds on Brexit
Click on the image to view the follow up volume on Amazon.

Brexit is, at one level, a gross example of selfishness, greed and avarice by a few disaster capitalists.  These people have successfully persuaded the masses that Brexit will be good for them, although the mounting body of evidence suggests otherwise.  The Dunning Kruger effect and misplaced pride prevent some leave voters from admitting that Brexit will not deliver any of the supposed benefits we were mis-sold so slickly and compellingly.  This plays out daily via snappy catchphrases such as “Take Back Control”, “Brexit Means Brexit”, “Pop Brexit in the microwave”, “Let’s get Brexit done” etc.  Feelings overwhelm facts in the tsunami of data that arrives daily across our TV screens, computers and smartphones.  In the words of XTC “Senses Working Overtime”.

The information age is also in part responsible for the Brexit vote.  Aside from interference in the voting process by Cambridge Analytica and underground targeted Facebook ads, another effect is in play here.  We receive some 34 GB of data daily.  This more than the average person received in their entire life in 1800.  Quite naturally the response to “drowning in data” in some cases is to shut down from information overload altogether.  Nigel Farage understood this well, when he asked the nation to vote with their hearts and not their heads after we were numbed senseless by data.

I originally titled this book “The Brexit Monologues.”  Why a monologue I hear you say?  Surely a conversation is a dialogue?  Well some of the conversations I’ve had with some hardcore leave voters have been monologues.  In other words they simply wish to unload their “story” on me before there is any possibility of a dialogue.  I have had literally thousands of conversations with Brexiteers in cafés, bars and on the street. Listening skills do not usually begin until I have invested sufficient time and energy in understanding their viewpoints, however much I may disagree with them.  It is also essential to establish a platform of expertise and some basic trust if they are to listen to you in preference to their own trusted advisor, whether that is Nigel Farage or the bloke in the pub.  Why exactly should they wish to listen to me anyway?  Many of them simply want to download their concerns, issues and fantasies about Brexit and their feelings of being left behind.  In listening to these people, I have found that these monologues are actually quite revealing.  At the same time, some level of change can occur by simply allowing these people to vent their feelings of rage, disappointment, and regret about their lives.  Occasionally and usually after a degree of patient listening, it is possible to separate their feelings from the causes of these feelings.  In other words to separate their regrets from the fact that the EU is not the root cause of their regrets.  Once we achieve this, we have the possibility for what I term a “Brexorcism”, in other words a shift in their beliefs about the world and about Brexit in particular.

Brexorcism
Click the image to find the book.

Changing Minds on Brexit provides strategies, skills and stories to help you change minds, whilst helping you to look after yourselves in the process.  I use the word Brexorcism not because I’m expecting you to throw holy water at your subjects!  Nor do I expect you to have to deal with people whose heads and viewpoints rotate 360 degrees.  We are generally dealing with quasi-religious beliefs or even identity level change, where Brexit is intimately linked with people’s sense of self, Queen, country and flag.  When we engage with a leave voter, we are sometimes challenging people at the level of who they are or the very why of their being.  This requires skill, time, patience and flexibility on our part. 

The book also helps with healing the divides that Brexit has set up on our DIsUnited Kingdom, whether family, friend or community based.

This book is not just about Brexit ghostbusting.  Where Brexit leads, Trump, Erdogan and others follow.  Just as sure as ladies’ hemlines rise and fall for no particular reason with the whims of fashion every year, populism and the rise of the far right in difficult times are also fashion statements that others follow.  So, you will find this book of immense value if you are trying to fight populism anywhere in the world.  

On New Year’s Day 2017 I coined the catchphrase “Break Brexit Before Brexit Breaks Britain” in the shower.  I note this has been adopted and adapted quite widely.  I recently realised that it needed updating. On New Year’s Day 2019 I came up with a new mantra which remains relevant:

“We seek a Better Britain in a Better Europe for a Better World.”

I coined this phrase on New Year’s Day 2018. It’s still relevant.

We are all in this together and it is about time we woke up to the fact.  We can no longer live in unsplendid isolation in the 4th industrial age.  Yes, we need to reform our politics and the very notions of capitalism if we are to survive.  But turning our backs on problems and opportunities that we face as a global village is not a sensible response.

I hope this gives some clues as to why you might want to read the book … read on …

Take Action

Write to your MP and demand that they oppose the toxic combination of Corona + Brexit

Write to the press with the same ambition

Jacob’s Crackers

In this roundup of Jacob’s Crackers, we chart the unprecedented developments in our Government’s idiotic approach to Brexit, COVID and Trump. I am finding it very difficult to distinguish satire from reality, as Boris Johnson lurches from the COVID car crash to our Britastrophe in waiting …

Write to your MP

Ask that Brexit be suspended in the wake of Corona

Thank The Lords

The House of Lords firmly rejected the idea of breaking international law in order to “Get Brexit Done”. Johnson’s response? “Carry On Breaking The Law”. The likely outcome? Britain will be twinned with North Korea as a rogue state. The EU and US will treat Britain accordingly.

Trust is essential

Jacob's Crackers
Trust is essential for all trade and business – The UK is not trustworthy

Write to members of the House of Lords – Point out that the internal markets bill was NOT a manifesto promise and therefore it is perfectly reasonable for the House of Lords to continue to oppose it.

World Beating COVID deaths

Once again, we lead Europe with COVID deaths, due to our “too little, too late’ approach”. This Twitter thread sums up the problems:

Please Retweet this and related tweets. Tweet your MP with a personal message about #suspendbrexit. Hold their feet to the fire.

Rats deserting the sinking ship

If the COVID deaths were not bad enough, it seems that Downing Street is more concerned with petty power squabbles between Dominic Cummings, his cronies and Boris’ girlfriends. Whitehall is now occupied by a large number of Vote Leave cronies and we await the departure of Dominic Cummings and our idiot negotiator David Frost, following Lee Kane’s departure last night. Watch Channel 4 News last night to find out more:

Since this time cronyism has gone from bad to worse under Johnson. It has continued under Truss and Sunak.

To learn more about cronyism in Whitehall check out My Little Crony by Sophie Hill

Old Durham Town remade in our studio.

IBS – Irritable Brexit Syndrome

If all of the above were not enough to make you think that we have lost control of our senses, swivel eyed loons John Redwood and, not IBS, but IDS (Iain Duncan Smith) have pointed out that Britain is bigger than the US. They have also told Joe Biden had better watch his step if he wants to get a trade deal with Britain. Texas and California are bigger than the US geographically, never mind the economy. The US economy is 20 x larger than the UK economy. For the avoidance of doubt:

Size matters

Jacob's Crackers
Size is important – we are 40 x smaller than the US.
John Redwood “Mine’s bigger than yours” Retweet and share to your MP
Retweet please

Citizens of Nowhere

Boris Johnson and Priti Patel scraped the bottom of the barrel by claiming that ending our freedom of movement was somehow a great triumph, whilst trying to pretend that the matter does not apply to British people. Johnson seems to have forgotten that he said exactly the opposite when he was seeking people’s votes for Brexit. In the words of Johnny Rotten:

Ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated?

We are all Citizens of Nowhere. Download In Limbo from our Bandcamp site.

Oh Brexit, up yours

In case you had forgotten, there’s a thing called Brexit looming. It turns out that 90% of UK trade is not covered by free trade deals after Brexit. So, when Johnson says Get Ready For Brexit, he means himself.

Oh yes, and the hauliers’ guidebook to handle border confusion has been delayed until after Brexit has happened. Presumably this is to give Dominic Cummings more time to appoint more cronies or indulge in a mud wrestling match with Carrie Symonds. Best get more of those portaloos in Kent, Sussex and Surrey …

Flush Brexit
Flush Brexit.

English exceptionalism continues to dominate our Brexit negotiations, in stark contrast to the EU’s organised and transparent processes to democracy:

An honorable man.

Bunkering down

If Jacob’s crackers, all the while, Johnson continues to self isolate from the truth about COVID and Brexit, Trump is also bunkering down, whilst he makes a new series of “Borat” with Rudy Giuliani. Sadly his tweet was deleted …

Jacob's Crackers
Crushed by Victoriana – Jacob’s crackers.
Paul McCartney meets Jacob at a Queen Concert.

Read our satirical front pages of The Sun, Maul, Excess

TAKE ACTION – SuspEND Brexit

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